


Wounded

by Rawrlove19



Category: Janoskians
Genre: Bracelets, Bullying, Cutting, Depression, Family, Gen, Oblivious, Scars, Self Harm, Suicide, friends - Freeform, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2018-10-19 23:51:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 30,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10650684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawrlove19/pseuds/Rawrlove19
Summary: This takes place when Jai and Luke are 16 years old in Australia. James will be in this.Jai had always been shy. Sometimes, that can be a really good quality to have, but in this case it isn't. Jai wouldn't react whenever someone was bullying him, so eventually everything got worse and now he's in a cycle he can't get out of. To make matters worse, nobody actually knows about what's going on with him.





	1. Chapter 1

Hey. My name is Jai Brooks, and I'm a problem. At least that's what everyone always tells me. I have two brothers, Luke and Beau, and we live with our mother, Gina. Recently, my brothers and I as well as our two friends, James and Daniel have hit it off on YouTube. We make prank videos that most people seem to love. Well at least most people.

I had always gotten bullied at school behind my brothers' backs, but ever since we went viral on YouTube, the bullying has gotten 10x worse. I'm really shy so that makes me an easy target. My twin brother, Luke, however, has a really short temper and will fight back so he doesn't really get picked on like I do anymore.

I want to think that my friends and family know that something is wrong, but they never question me or act one it. It makes me feel even more lonely just knowing that I could get beat up, but they couldn't care less about it. So, I never say a word. The bruises are nothing compared to confirming my fear of no one caring.

-

"Oh little Jye!" My biggest bully, Dylan, called out. "Are you ready for your daily dose of vitamin D?" I kept silent, knowing it would be worse if I talked. It was kind of hard to not say anything back, considering he had some really cringe-worthy jokes he could come up with at times.

"Oof." I'm knocked out of my thoughts by his fist ramming into my stomach.

"What a wimp!" Dylan spat. "Who gave you permission to make a noise?" Dylan was furious, but this time I stayed silent as his flurry of punches bruised up my stomach, chest, and sides. I had tears in my eyes from the pain, but I forced them back desperately.

"You better go, wouldn't want Baby Brooks to be late for class!" Dylan laughed venomously when he finally stopped. I watched his retreating figure silently before my tears finally got the best of me. I ran to the janitor's closet and hid inside it. I just couldn't let anyone see me like this right now. I was supposed to be in my math class right now (a/n: I'm American so I have no idea what the Australian school system is like.), but I hated math anyways. Math was more Luke's thing than mine. But then again, so were the rest of our classes. I was the stupid twin. A complete bimbo.

I decided that it would probably be best to go to my next class, which was English. I actually had that class with Luke, so I knew that if I didn't show up then he would ask me about it. I ran to the bathroom and hurriedly washed my face before getting my stuff and waiting for the bell to sound. Once it did, I walked to class, not wanting another run in with Dylan or any of the other main bullies at my school.

Dylan and his group of friends were the main bullies. They would hurt me both with their fists and with their words. Then, there were also the countless guys in my school who would insult and belittle me on a daily basis. I could handle them, though. They also never made a move when Luke was around. He was known for his short temper, and they did not want to set him off.

I quickly found my seat in the middle of the room, but close enough to the back so that I wasn't actually noticed more than I already was. Luke happened to be in my English class, so people naturally noticed us since they thought that twins were so interesting. I had to roll my eyes at the thought.

Luke walked in the room and made a bee-line straight for me. I groaned at the sight. I wanted to make it at least a few more minutes before I had to deal with him. I love my brother, but sometimes he can be a bit too much. I just want to blend in with society, but he feels like he has something to prove. I got used to him winning everything at an early age, and eventually I just stopped trying. 

"Jai-Jai, you'll never guess what happened...." Luke yelled excitedly and started telling me about what happened to him today. I could only zone out and stare out the window. The Melbourne sky really was beautiful. It was the only good thing about this place. No one actually realized how miserable I truly was here. 

Every day was the same. Wake up and go get harassed and tortured in a place where I'm simply supposed to learn. Go home and get hit in the face with how much better Luke was than me. Maybe even throw in a few YouTube videos on top of that. 

The end result was the same though. I only grew more and more depressed by the day. I just wanted to leave, but no matter how much they didn't care, I couldn't quite bring myself to leave my family. 

"Jai, are you even listening to me?!" Luke snapped, his short temper getting the best of him. 

"Sorry, Luke." I apologized, faking a smile. "I'm not really feeling too good today."

"Are you okay?" Luke furrowed his eyebrows, concerned. I nodded my head at him. It looked like he was actually concerned about me, but I knew that could never happen. I was just standing in Luke's shadow and that's the only person that I would ever be. 

"I'm fine. I just have a headache, Luke."


	2. Chapter 2

"Alright class, let's begin by returning the poems you turned in last class!" Our English teacher, Mr. Wright, announced excitedly. He stood and walked around handing back papers, stopping when he got to mine. "Jai, if you don't mind, could you stay a moment after class today?"

I nodded mutely, not sure of what I did this time. It always seemed to be something, though. No matter how hard I tried not to, I always ended up screwing something up. It's just what I did. 

I felt someone looking at me and looked up only to lock eyes with Luke. I quickly looked away, not wanting to deal with him. He was looking at me nervously, almost like he wanted to say something to me, but knew he couldn't. I didn't care. I already have enough to stress about without him adding to it.

"Ok, everyone!" Mr. Wright announced. "Get into groups and discuss what you wrote." I instantly paled. It's one thing giving a teacher a poem you expect to never reach the light of day, and a totally different thing to read it out loud to people that hate you. Luke immediately scooted closer to me and grabbed my arm, already claiming me as his partner. He just happened to grab a freshly placed bruise, and I couldn't stop from flinching at his touch. Luke looked hurt, almost like he had taken it as a personal insult.

"Is this where the party's at?" James' teasing voice rang next to us, causing Luke to turn and smile up at our goofy friend.

"Right here like always, James!" Luke laughed, as James sat down next to us.

"So, are we really going to discuss these?" James asked a little too loudly.

"You better Mr. Yammouni, if you don't want me personally making the rest of your high school career miserable at best." Mr. Wright drawled, causing James to blush slightly as several people snickered.

"I wrote about cameras." Luke supplied, and I was forced to slap a hand against my head. I swear if he could marry a camera, he would.

"Camera, oh, camera. How arte thou...camera?" James joked, failing miserably.

"I wrote about how much I hate writing." James laughed. Causing Luke and I to both snicker in return.

"What did you write about, Jai?" Luke asked. I gulped nervously and started to play with my fingers. I couldn't tell them about what I wrote about. I should have never even turned it in. It was way too personal, and they both would have laughed at me if they found out about it.

"It's not important..." I trailed off.

"Since when do you hide from me?" Luke asked, narrowing his eyes at me. I rolled my eyes at him and picked at the loose plastic on my binder.

"I'm not hiding." I mumbled.

"Really, Jai? Can you just stop being such a drama queen for once in your life?" Luke raised his voice, causing a few people to glance at us in return.

"Please, not another fight, guys!" James groaned, reaching over and easily plucking my paper out of my binder before I could stop him.

"James no!" I yelled. 

"Sharing is caring, little Jye." James replied teasingly. I watched worriedly as his eyes scanned over my paper, before his bright smile turned into a frown.

"What is it James?" Luke asked suspiciously.

"Oh, um, Jai just wrote about wishing he was an only child." James lied. I silently thanked him for that. I didn't want Luke to learn about what I had really written about. Luke frowned, before his lips turned upwards in a grin.

"I don't see why, I mean, I am pretty awesome." He bragged. James handed me my paper back, before getting in some kind of wild conversation with Luke about a big ego.

I faked a smile at their conversation. I was thankful that James had lied. What I had really written about was feeling trapped and alone. I wrote about feeling worthless to the point that I felt like I had no way to ever be happy. Luke would absolutely freak if he had read about that or even found out I had written it.

Soon, class was over and Luke went home without me for the millionth time. It was okay, though. I had to talk to Mr. Wright after class anyway.

"You wanted to see me?" I questioned after everyone had left the room. It was kind of nerve-wracking. If I'm not around Luke, I can get extremely shy and nervous for no reason. The only exception to that was Beau, Daniel, and James.

"Yes, I did." He nodded, looking up from his desk. "I'm a little concerned about the poem you turned in. It was more than a little depressing and I was just wanting to make sure that everything was okay. Is everything good at home? With your brothers and everything?"

"Everything is great. I was just having a bad day when I wrote that." I lied. I glanced away from his judgmental gaze. Everything was not fine, but I wasn't going to let him know that. He was just a teacher. It was his job to make sure his students were okay. A few lies here and a few lies there, and his suspicions would disappear.

"If you say so. Just remember that if you ever need anything, my door is always open." He smiled. "You're a very bright young man, Jai. You're punctuation could use a little work, though."

I nodded my head, and scurried away as soon as I could. I sprinted home, knowing that the second I slowed down, Dylan was sure to find me. By the time I reached my house, I was out of breath and panting extremely hard.

I walked inside coughing violently and stumbling around from my 20 minute run from school. I made it into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water before collapsing onto the floor in exhaustion. This was my life. No one cared enough to ever pay attention to a Jai Brooks, and the truth was that I wasn't fine at all.


	3. Chapter 3

"So, what did Mr. Wright want from you?" Luke asked, later than night as we we're both laying in our designated bunks. I blanched at the question. My English teacher noticed that something was wrong, but my twin brother didn't. I don't think Luke would enjoy that explanation very much.

"Nothing important." I faked a laugh. "He just wanted to tell me that my grammar and punctuation needed a lot of work."

"That's for sure. You're grammar sucks!" Luke chuckled. It hurt a little to know that he could be so easily convinced that everything was okay when it really wasn't. I haven't been okay in a long time. I felt a single tear roll down my face at the thought. How much longer do I have to suffer before I can actually be happy?

-

"Jai, we need to talk..." James informed me the next day. I gulped. I knew this was coming, but I didn't expect it to be this soon. Honestly, I was dreading this. I just had to turn in that poem.

"You know what James? I'd love to, but I'm actually running late for a thing o need to do." I lied badly. While I could lie easily, I was absolutely terrible at making up excuses.

"Jai, you're talking to the king of excuses. Did you really think that would work?" James dead-panned and I groaned.

"Sorry. That was pretty bad." I laughed, slightly embarrassed. James sighed, and I knew something bad was coming.

"Your poem told me a lot I didn't know, Jai. I feel like a terrible friend for not noticing." James said. 

"You didn't notice because I didn't want you to." I frowned. "I'm fine though, really."

"You may think you're alone, Jai, but I'll always be here when you need a friend." James smiled. I smiled back.

"Thanks James. Just keep this between me and you, though." 

"Wait, does Luke know you feel like that?" James was confused. I rolled my eyes at him. 

"No, and I plan on keeping it that way."

"Are you sure that's really a good idea, Jai?" James asked, hesitantly. "Luke is your twin and he'll still love you no matter what happens."

"I wouldn't be so sure." I mumbled, thinking about how Luke would react when he realized how pathetic I am.

"Jai, y-" James started to reason with me, but I quickly yelled at him in anger.

"Just shut up James! You don't know anything!"

"Jai?" I turned to see Luke standing in the doorway, staring at me angrily. "What do you think you're doing? Being mean to James of all people?"

"I..." I couldn't find the right words to say.

"You what?" Luke snarled at me. "James is practically a giant cupcake, yet you thought it would be a good idea to bully him! How would you feel if someone bullied you? I swear you're such a jerk sometimes! Come on James, let's go!"

I watched as my best friend and twin brother left the room, leaving me in emotional agony. Luke didn't understand. I was bullied everyday. I had simply snapped at James in a moment of frustration, but Luke didn't see it that way. Just like how he never saw the countless bruises and busted lips I came home from school with everyday.

It wasn't fair.

~

"Why hello, Jaidon!" Dylan snickered at me, during lunchbreak. "I've noticed that your big twin brother hasn't been around to protect you all day. What a tragedy!"

"Luke doesn't protect me." I ground out, getting more of an attitude with him than usual. His gaze immediately intensified, as he narrowed his eyes at me before smiling.

"Oh I'm sorry." He quickly punched me in the stomach, making me talk to my knees. "Just exactly who is it that makes the calls here? It's seemed to slip my mind!"

I groaned out in pain, but this only caused him to kick me in the side out of rage.

"I can't hear you!" He yelled, causing me to flinch back. 

"I'm sorry. You make the calls." I spoke up, already feeling the shame from the words I said.

"That's right, Jaidon." Dylan suddenly smirked as an idea seemed to dawn on him. "Now, you're going to unstuck your shirt and undo your tie."

"What?" My eyes widened at what he was saying. Our school had a strict dress code and it was an automatic detention if you were caught breaking it.

"Did I stutter?! You heard me! Now, get to it!" He ordered. I gulped, but did as he said. "Perfect, now go get your lunch before break is over."

"But, someone will see my clothes!" I argued.

"Yeah, that's kind of the point." He laughed before walking away.

My heart seemed to race more and more the closer I got to the cafeteria. I was going to get caught, I just knew it. fact, I screamed when I felt a hand come down on my shoulder. 

"Jai, what are you doing?" The person asked me incredulously. I opened my eyes to see my oldest brother, Beau, looking at me as if I'd grown a second head. 

"I'm getting some food?" It came out as more of a question than a statement, and Beau raised an eyebrow at me in complete confusion.

"Your clothes, Jai." Beau urged. I simply stared at him, causing him to let out a huge sigh. "Straighten your uniform. I can't pick you up tonight if you get a detention. I expect more from you, I swear."

I hurriedly fixed my uniform, fearing Beau slightly more than Dylan in that moment. He rarely used his big brother voice, and when he does he's extremely serious. It's kind of weird considering how much he jokes around, but he could yell a lot whenever Luke and I got into trouble.

"Sorry, Beau." I apologized, not wanting him to be mad at me.

"Yeah, well, don't think Mum isn't finding out about this tonight." He huffed. I looked down and in that moment decided I wasn't hungry after all. I had disappointed Beau, of all people. Who does that?


	4. Chapter 4

"Jaidon Brooks, would you like to explain to me what I heard from your older brother earlier?!" My Mum seethed, angrily. I gulped. I knew this was coming. If I only I had stood up for myself for once in my life, then this wouldn't have happened. 

"W-What exactly did he tell you?" I asked, trying to act innocently. I had obviously failed, if the look on her face told me anything. My Mum took a seat on the couch next to me, so I dropped my gaze down to my hands in fear of what was to come. 

"Let me ask you this, Jai. Were you trying to get detention?" She sighed. I felt bad for her. She was always putting up with us and I know we didn't exactly make it easy. I know I was really making it hard for her this time. She had to work, so she couldn't deal with any meetings of I had gotten in trouble. 

"No." I answered simply, and she let out another sigh in relief. Her relief turned into frustration as she furrowed her eyebrows after a moment. 

"What's going on with you, Jai? You're too sweet to be causing all of this trouble. I would expect this behavior from your brothers, but never you." She questioned. 

"You wouldn't have gotten mad at them." I mumbled to myself, but she had heard it anyway. 

"Jai, you know that's not true!" She scolded. 

"Yeah, well maybe I'm sick of being nice all of the time! Luke does what he wants and that works out just fine for him!" I yelled, causing her to glare at me. 

"You're not Luke, and Luke wouldn't yell like that at his mother anyways. You're grounded until further notice. "

"Mum..."

"I don't want to hear it Jai! Just go to your room." 

Mum just didn't understand. I felt tears sting at my eyes as I made my way to my room. Luke wasn't home yet, so I had at least a few minutes to cry in peace. 

I crawled into my bunk and thought hard about the day. I was getting bullied at school, but no one noticed. My own family didn't even seem to notice something was wrong and honestly, that killed me on the inside. How much did I have to suffer before I someone noticed? At this point, I hated my life and just wanted to leave. After all, if everyone hated me, what was the point?

"Jai?" Luke's voice rang out, waking me from my sleep. That was weird. I guess I had cried myself to sleep without realizing it. "Mum, told me to tell you dinner's ready."

"I don't want any." I mumbled, throwing my blanket over my head. I thought he had left for a minute, but then I felt my bed dip down and my blanket was ripped off of me.

"Why are you hiding?" Luke asked, incredulously. 

"M'not hiding." I mumbled. "I just want to be left alone."

"What's even your deal?" Luke's confusion turned into anger. "I swear I don't even know you anymore! All's you ever do is sulk and everyone is sick of it. Just do us all a favor and get over yourself already!"

"Whatever you say, Luke!" I chuckled with false-enthusiasm, causing him to lunge at me in anger. He tackled me to my bed before pushing me off. I landed on the floor with a hiss. I placed a hand to my stomach as a reflex when the bruises I had received earlier were jarred in the process.

"What's wrong with your stomach?" Luke asked, still angry. He was starting to calm down, but i had still set off his short temper.

"Nothing." I replied, sitting up. I forced myself not to show the agony I was feeling on my face. 

"It's not nothing, Jai." Luke argued. "You have a huge bruise on your stomach. I could see it when your shirt rode up."

"I fell down the stairs at school." I lied.

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" Luke deadpanned. "That's the biggest excuse in the book."

"It's the truth." I kept eye contact, knowing that if I dropped it, he would know it was a lie.

"Whatever." Luke sighed, dropping the subject. "Hurry and come downstairs for dinner."

"I already told you I'm not hungry." I insisted. Luke furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"But, you're always hungry." He said slowly. I stared at him. Usually, he didn't care whether I ate dinner or not, so I really had no idea what this was all about.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" I groaned. 

"Because you're being weird." Luke stated, his brown eyes studying my face.

"Maybe I just want to be left alone instead of harassed by my annoying twin brother." I snarked. Luke looked like I had slapped him, and I might as well have.

"You know what, Jai? I'm sick of your lies and abuse when all I ever do is try to help you. I'm done!" Luke yelled, before walking out of the room. I pulled at my hair in frustration. I had made my family hate me even more, if that was even possible. It's my own fault, though. I'm only a mistake that ruins everything.


	5. Chapter 5

That night, I ignored Luke completely when he came into our room. I knew he was upset with me for shutting myself up inside out room, but I just couldn't seem to make anyone happy anymore. I was either making my bullies angry or disappointing my family. Honestly, I didn't know how to stop messing everything up around me.

To make things worse, Dylan had been texting me randomly and telling me about how much of a mistake I truly was. The funny thing is that we used to be friends before the Janoskians started. Then one day, he started insulting me on a regular basis and when I confronted him he punched me in the stomach. Luke was always curious about why I stopped hanging out with Dylan, but I never actually told him what was going on. My problems were my problems, and I didn't want to involve anyone else in them.

I tossed and turned, not being able to get comfortable. That's what I get though, I realized. I was mean to my Mum and Luke, all in a few hours. Beau was probably still mad at me, but I couldn't stop that. He was stressed out because he graduated this year, and I was only making everything harder for him.

I slowly crept out of my bed, trying my hardest not to wake Luke. I needed some air and I didn't need him asking questions. I hurriedly grabbed some shoes and closed the door softly behind me. I was grounded, so technically I wasn't supposed to be doing what I was doing. I didn't care, though. I was absolutely suffocating. I heard my stomach growl, but chose to ignore it. I just wanted to leave and come back before anyone noticed I was gone.

I crept through the living room and out the front door. It was cold and I was only wearing my pajamas, but if anything that was only a good thing. I was sick of being hurt both physically and mentally. I was just extremely depressed anymore, and I hated it. I felt a raindrop hit my head just before the first tear fell.

At this point, I was almost drowning inside my sadness. I was alone with it after successfully pushing everyone away. I had no choice, though. I had to push people away. No one could ever find out how pathetic I truly am. 

I walked around aimlessly for another half-hour, crying in the pouring rain. It was the middle of the night anf it was raining, so it was impossible for anyone that happened to see me to notice my tears.

I regretfully started to walk back home. I didn't want to go back to a house where I was a burden for everyone living there. My poor mum had to work constantly just to support us, yet I had the nerve to talk to her like that. Beau struggled to fit school in with his responsibility of making sure Luke and I were okay, but I always caused trouble for him instead of showing my appreciation instead. Luke had to live with the fact that he looked like me. I was always messing something up or being a complete embarrassment, and since I had the same face as him, my mistakes were reflected back to him.

I hesitated a moment before opening the door and quietly slipping inside. Not even a minute later, the lights flicked on revealing the furious face of my mother. I thought I had been extra quiet, but apparently she had found out anyway.

"Where were you!?" She demanded an explanation angrily. I gulped. I couldn't tell her I had went on a walk so I could cry in peace, without anyone suspecting a thing. She would just get concerned, and that was the last thing I wanted.

"I couldn't sleep, so I went to get some fresh air." I said. Technically, I wasn't lying. I did need some fresh air, but not solely for that reason. That explanation was good enough for her, though. Her facial features immediately softened, as she gestirsx for me to come hug her.

"Jai, I know you didn't mean any harm, but you technically are grounded." She sighed. "That means I'll be taking your Xbox now."

"Ok." I didn't put up any type of argument with her, causing her to give me a strange look.

"No fight?" She questioned before taking a closer look at me. "Are you wet?"

"Yeah, it started raining." I explained, causing her to click her tongue in disapproval. 

"Why couldn't I have had daughters instead of angsty teenage boys?" She sighed dramatically while pinching the bridge of her nose. "Clothes off and in the shower, right now! The last thing I need is you catching a cold!"

I do as I was told and went to take a shower while my mum went back to bed. The warm water was soothing, and I hadn't even realized how cold I was until I had warmed up.

After stepping out of the shower, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Once again I was reminded of how much of a screw-up I really was. I was disgusting and in this moment I could honestly say I looked nothing like Luke. He wouldn't have let himself become this pathetic. I slid down to the floor before noticing something on the floor.

My razor had fallen and the plastic had broken around the blades. I bit my lip as I got an idea. I had never really understood self-harm, but I was low enough that I would literally try anything. I reasoned that cutting could give me some sort of control in my spiraling life. That's what led me to picking up that blade and slicing through my wrist with it.

At first, I couldn't actually believe what I had done. But, it slowly started to become real to me as my wrist started throbbing slightly and the small trickle of blood stopped.

I had self-harmed and I didn't regret it.


	6. Chapter 6

I stared down at the tiny scabbed over cut on my wrist. It wasn't much, but it was proof of what I had resorted to. I didn't regret doing it. I had been sad for so long, and for some reason cutting had given me a sliver of that control back. It was barely anything, but it was enough.

After last night, I was cold and shivering. I had probably gotten sick from being in the rain for so long. Mum had already left for work today, so really all I had to do was convince Beau to let me stay home. I shakily got out of bed and ignored Luke's strange glance from where he was already getting dressed for school. I made my way across the hall to Beau's room, and knocked on his door with my blanket wrapped tightly around my shoulders.

"What?!" Beau almost screamed in frustration as he opened his door. I flinched back out of reflex and stared down at my toes. I hated to be yelled at, especially after all of the bullying I had to deal with. I was silent for a moment, but when I finally did speak, it was barely above a whisper.

"Can I stay home, today? I feel really sick and dizzy." I asked hopefully. I could practically feel Beau's frown as I heard him sigh dramatically.

"I don't care, Jai. I have too much to deal with right now without you adding to it. Just....i don't know...try to realize that the world doesn't just revolve around you for once." I was finally able to make eye contact with Beau, and felt tears burn at the back of my eyes as soon as I did. I really was nothing but a burden to him. He had just made that more than clear.

I turned around and headed back to my room before Beau could see my tears. I could cry in front of anyone else but Beau. He's probably make fun of me and tell me to stop being such a baby as soon as he saw my tears coming down.

"Jai?" Luke questioned as I walked into our room in tears. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine Luke. Really, I'm just sick, that's all." I tried to convince Luke, but he didn't seem to believe me. He but his lip as he nervously stared at me, trying to figure out if I was telling the truth or not.

"Okay." Luke nodded. "Then, I'm staying home with you."

"What? Why?" I was confused. Luke was completely fine. He didn't need to stay home with me.

"To take care of my baby brother, course!" Luke chuckled like it was the most obvious thing in the world. I had to roll my eyes at his shenanigans. He was always making jokes about the two minute difference between us.

"I'll be fine, Luke." I sighed. "Besides won't it look weird for both of us to miss school?"

"We're twins, we practically share an immune system." Luke dead-panned, almost like he was telling the truth when we both knew that notion was utterly ridiculous.

"You're ridiculous, Luke." I laughed lightly as I wiped my face of leftover tears. 

"Yeah and there's something bothering you, isn't there?" My twin suddenly became serious. My eyes widened slightly at his question. I turned my head away as I tried to come up with some sort of excuse for my off behavior.

"Nothing's wrong, I'm just sick of being compared to you all of the time.  
What's wrong with that?" I avoided eye contact with him, not wanting to give myself away.

"There's nothing wrong with that. I feel the same way, but you've just seemed different lately..." Luke trailed off.

"No I haven't." I scoffed, causing Luke to hesitantly dropped the conversation at hand.

"Whatever you say, Jai." Luke sighed. "Do you need another blanket?"

"No, I'm good." I replied. Honestly, though, I probably did. I was shivering really badly, and it didn't seem like I was going to stop anytime soon. That's what I get for walking in the rain, though. 

Luke and I ended up going into the living room to watch movies as Beau was leaving for school. He saw Luke and I huddled on in the couch and raised an eyebrow.

"So, I take it that both of my little brothers are slipping school today?" Beau asked, shaking his head at us.

"Jai doesn't feel good, so I'm simply staying home until it catches up with my half of our immune system." Luke told Beau with a straight face.

"Do you really expect anyone to buy that excuse, Luke?" Beau asked in disbelief. Luke nodded as I cuddled deeper into his side, not wanting to deal with Beau.

"Well Jai actually is sick." Luke admitted. "He's shivering and practically on fire right now."

"Is he?" Beau questioned and walked closer to me to put a hand on my forehead. However, I flinched away from him before he could make contact. Both of my brothers were confused by this. We never flinched away from each other, but that was exactly what I just did. 

"Sorry." I whispered, causing Beau to slowly nod his head and place his hand down on my forehead. 

"You're burning up, Jai." Beau noted as he removed his hand from my head. "Try to feel better. And also try not to get Lukey over here sick, too. I hate dealing with sick twins."

I nodded slowly as Beau walked out the door and left for school. Luke was staring at me in confusion and worry, though. I knew he was a little weirded out by my behavior towards Beau. That just wasn't like me, but I had done it. 

I bit my lip in frustration as I tried to remain normal. That was growing harder and harder by the day, though. I was falling apart and there was no stopping it.


	7. Chapter 7

I don't know why I was suddenly afraid of Beau, but I did know that I didn't like it. Beau was an awesome older brother. Even though he annoyed me 80% of the time, he still cared. If either Luke or I were upset or hurt, he would always come to our rescue. (A/N: go look up a night with the brooks brothers on YouTube. Beau is really caring to Jai in it. It will definitely melt your heart!)

I knew that Beau would never dream of hurting me, so I didn't understand why I flinched away from him. It probably had something to do with the person I was becoming. I could slowly feel myself changing into a shell of what I used to be and I hated it. I couldn't talk to anyone anymore, though. It was too late for that.

I felt Luke staring at me as I thought about everything that was wrong with my life. I turned my head and saw that I was right. Luke was staring at me. He was biting his lip, almost as if he was fighting to say something to me.

"You're not okay are you, Jai?" Luke asked. I made eye contact with him for a moment before looking down at my lap and playing with my fingers. 

"I'm fine, Luke!" I scoffed. "You just worry too much!"

"Ok! You don't have to get so defensive!" Luke teased me lightly. 

I ignored him. On the inside, I wanted to tell him everything. I knew I couldn't do that, though. Luke would only be ashamed of me if he knew how weak I truly was. I couldn't let Luke, or anyone else, find out about Dylan. 

If they found out that I was being bullied on a regular basis, they would be so ashamed of me. It wasn't my fault though. I was just too shy to say or do anything at all. Luke was the twin that spoke his mind, not me.  
,  
"Jai...you're crying..." Luke's voice broke me from my thoughts. I lifted my hand to my face and was surprised to find fresh tears there. I hadn't even realized I had started crying.

"I don't feel good, Luke." I replied, trying to excuse my strange behavior. He gave me a small sympathetic smile and hugged me tighter. 

"Do you want to go lie down for a bit?" Luke suggested. "Maybe if you get some rest you'll feel better."

I nodded slowly before getting up and hurriedly getting into my bed. Luke was tired of me already and the day had only just started. I had made Luke angry too many times, so now I knew when he just wanted me to get away from him. 

That was my problem with most people. I was annoying and couldn't figure out how to stop irritating people. I knew, though, that I ended up making a lot of people angry with me by just being myself. I wasn't trying to do that. It just happened. 

I shot up from bed in frustration and locked the door in case Luke came up to check on me or to get something from our room. Rolling up my sleeve, I stared at the tiny scar I had made last night. I wanted to make more.

I retrieved a blade from where I had stashed a couple underneath my mattress. I quickly used it to slash away at my wrist and even added a few cuts along my hips. 

There was now a red liquid seeping down my arm. I smiled at it slightly before grabbing an older shirt and holding against my fresh wounds. This was yet another thing I couldn't tell even Luke.

At one point, I might have ran to Beau. I couldn't do that now, though. I had shattered our relationship and now Beau didn't love me anymore. I had more than ruined that. He hated me and it was all my fault. 

I ruined everything. That's why I never told my one about the bullying. I deserved every punch, kick, and hateful comment. Most of my friends had left me when Dylan started to hate me, and honestly that was probably my fault too. I caused everyone to hate me and I had no one to blame but myself.


	8. Chapter 8

"Jai, your brothers told me you were sick." My mother walked into my room, waking me from my peaceful sleep. I blinked up at her slowly, still trying to wake up a little. She placed a hand on my forehead, saving me from having to talk as soon as I woke up. "I think your fever is starting to break."

I nodded my head at her before groggily closing my eyes again.

"Jai, is everything okay?" My mum asked me suspiciously.

"Yeah I'm fine." I replied, just wanting her to leave already.

"Are you sure, Jaidon?" She asked again, using my actual name instead of what I went by. "Luke says that you've been acting more distant lately. If he's this worried about you, then something must be wrong."

"Luke's just imagining things, Mum. You know if something was wrong then I would tell you." I replied nervously.

"What about the bruises, then?" My mum asked hesitantly. I gulped. Of course Luke had to tell her about those. 

"I made the wrong person angry. It's nothing. I promise." I reassured her.

"So it was just a simple fight?" She asked. "You're not being bullied or anything?"

"Of course not, Mum. Just who do you think I am?!" I chuckled, even though she had hit the nail on the head. I was in fact being bullied, but she didn't need to know about that. No one needed to know. I could handle it. 

"If you're sure." She smiled sadly at me, obviously not completely believing me. 

I watched as she leaned over to kiss me on the cheek before leaving the room completely.

I let out a sigh. My Mum was right. I was being bullied. I hated that I couldn't do anything about it. I slowly got out of bed before a wave of dizziness rushed past me, causing ne to stumble slightly.

I couldn't live like this much longer. I was a failure. A huge failure that was disappointing everyone around me. How was I supposed to deal with that?

Bzzzz

I reached for my phone at the sound of it vibrating. Once I saw the text on it, I almost wished I hadn't of even picked it up.

"Hey trash! You think you can just skip school and avoid me. Well, guess What? You have another thing coming. You were supposed to do my biology homework last night, so because of you I got an F. I'm coming for you, Jaidon. Just you wait!"

I felt tears rush to my eyes as I dropped my phone and rushed to the bathroom. I quickly threw myself over the toilet and vomited everything in my stomach. At some point, I felt a soothing hand start to rub my back in comfort. I leaned back and glanced up to see Luke staring at me worriedly.

"You okay?" I heard him ask. I didn't answer. The truth was that I wasn't okay. I wasn't okay at all. 

-  
"So you thought you could just avoid me, Jaidon?!" Dylan screamed in my face. 

"I was sick. I'm sorry." I whispered, honestly terrified in that moment. 

"You're sorry?" Dylan smirked. "You're sorry? Then, how about this?"

Dylan grabbed me by my shirt and threw me into a nearby locker. I thought that was all he was going to do, but he kept holding onto my shirt. 

Right as I looked up at him again, he started to repeatedly slam me into the locker.  Dylan also made sure my head slammed into the locker each time. 

"You're pathetic, Jai." Dylan spat at me after he finally let me go. 

I waited until he left before sprinting to the nearest bathroom with tears running down my face. I glanced at my face in the mirror and was suddenly disgusted. I didn't look like myself anymore. I barely even resembled Luke anymore. 

"Jai?" A voice called out hesitantly. My head shot up to see James in the mirror. I quickly wiped the tears off my face even though it was pretty obvious that he'd already seen them. 

"I'm fine James. Promise." I assured him, shooting a fake smile at him. 

"No you're not. You're crying." James argued. I let out an angry sigh before looking away from him. 

"I'll get over it, James. It's honestly nothing." I forced a laugh. 

"Jai, I know remember. I know you're depressed. Don't sweat it, though. It's okay to feel like that sometimes, but when those times do happen, you can't push away the people that care about you."

"And why not?!" I snapped. "It's not anyone's business but mine! It's not a big deal, so just drop it James!"

"Man, I thought we were friends but I guess we weren't after all." James sighed before leaving me to wallow in my misery. 

I felt more tears slip down my face as I pulled my phone out and retrieved the blade I kept hidden in the case. I didn't want to bleed through my white shirt, so I locked myself in a stall and lowered my pants to ground. Then, I finally took out all of my anger on my thighs. 

Anger at Dylan. 

Anger at Luke. 

Anger at my Mum. 

Anger at James. 

Anger at myself. 

I deserved it all for being so weak.


	9. Chapter 9

I stared hard at my bowl of soggy cereal. This is what my life had become. Everything was falling around me, and my life had basically gone completely downhill. No matter what I did, I couldn't find joy anymore. My Mum thinks I'm a liar. Luke thinks I'm a jerk. James is angry with me. Beau....

Beau is upset because of me. 

Since that day I was sick, I've been flinching away from his touch and avoiding him at all costs. He notices every time, too. Then, the look he gives me afterwards makes me want to cut even more than I already do. But it's my own fault. Everything is my fault.

-

"Okay, Jai! This has gone on long enough!" Luke yelled angrily at me as he stormed into the kitchen. I dropped my spoon into my bowl of soggy cereal and looked at him in confusion. 

"What has Luke?" I asked more confused than ever. Luke's eye twitched at my question.

"Beau honestly thinks you're afraid of him!" Luke yelled, catching me by surprise. "I don't know what you're putting on this extra shy boy routine, but it had better stop. Beau does so much for us. You should never treat him the way you've been treating him."

"I'm sorry..." I mumbled, but that only caused Luke to get even angrier.

"You're sorry? If you were then you'd be saying that to Beau and not me! At least speak up! I swear, Jai! You have a voice, so use it!" Luke yelled, causing me to violently flinch back in response. My flinching caused my elbow to hit my soggy bowl of cereal and cause it to go flying and splash all over Luke's shirt. I smiled at my twin nervously, but once again I only succeeded in making him angry.

Luke let out an angry scream before grabbing me by the shoulders and slamming me into the near-by wall. I squeezed my eyes shut in response, just wanting it to be over quickly. It seemed like I just couldn't go a single day without getting beat up by someone. I hated that. Tears started to flow from my eyes before Luke even had the chance to punch me. It was inevitable, though. I was merely a punching bag.

"Hey! What do you two think you're doing! Luke, let go of him, right now!" Beau yelled, the screaming likely alerting him to our fight. Like a switch was turned on, Luke immediately let go of me before taking a step back and ruffling his hair nervously.

"Sorry, Jai." Luke chuckled nervously. "I let my anger get the best of me again."

"S'okay..." I mumbled, backing away from my twin. Honestly, I have never been afraid of Luke before. However, what just happened made it clear just how easily he could hurt me if he really wanted to. That terrified me on a whole new level. I watched a look pass through Luke's eyes as he took a step towards me. I took two steps backwards in response.

"Jai?" Beau asked. "Are you okay? I know there's something going on, but I can't fix it unless you tell me what it is!"

"I-I can't tell you Beau." I admitted, looking away from my brothers. Luke narrowed his eyes at me, obviously seeing right through my words.

"You can't or you won't?" Luke asked suspiciously.

"I can't because there's nothing to tell!" I explained, raising my voice. "I just want everyone to leave me alone. Is that so wrong?"

"It is when you're suddenly terrified of me." Beau stated. Luke and I both turned to look at him. This was the first time Beau had ever said something to me about the way I've been acting around him.

"I'm not terrified of you!" I scoffed. Luke dramatically rolled his eyes at me while Beau's expression became grim.

"What do you call flinching away from me and avoiding me, then? Because at this point I don't know what to think."

"I-" my voice caught in my throat, unable to form any type of response. I had no excuse.

"Well, answer him Jai? I'm dying to know that, too!" Luke spoke up, glaring at me.

"Neither of you would understand." I finally said after a moment, refusing to make eye contact with either one. "I'll be fine. I just keep getting lost in thought. No big deal."

"Great. My baby brother hates me!" Beau gasped, before storming out of the room in tears. Luke shot me another glare and then followed him out of the room. I was taken by surprise. I had never seen Beau cry before. It just didn't happen. He was always the one making sure Luke and I were okay.

 

I walked to the bathroom in a haze. I had made Beau cry and to me that was unforgivable. I quickly locked myself in the bathroom as soon as I reached it. I needed to do this quickly in case someone came looking for me.

I pulled out one of the blades I kept hidden and rolled up my sleeve. I hacked away at my wrists repeatedly, but it wasn't enough. I lowered my pants to the floor and started to mutilate my thighs, next. 

When it was finally enough, I got a washcloth out and cleaned up my arms and thighs. That's when I noticed what I had unconsciously done. On one of my thighs I had carved the word 'mistake' and on the other thigh I had carved the word 'damaged'.

Those two simple words really stood out to me. Probably because they were two words that described me better than anything else could. Not only was I a mistake, but I was a mistake that had been damaged beyond repair. Truthfully, I don't think anything could ever fix me. This was just who I was.

A damaged mistake.


	10. Chapter 10

"Are you trying to start a new fashion trend or something?" Luke asked me skeptically as I came downstairs with multiple bracelets around both wrists. Even I thought it was too many bracelets, but that was the consequence of cutting too much yesterday. I had cut farther down my wrists than usual, and my normal bracelets didn't completely cover the wounds.

"No, I just like bracelets." I answered, before brushing past him to walk out to Beau's car. Beau always gave Luke and I rides to school on mondays, even if he couldn't do it the rest of the week. This time, however, Luke grabbed my wrist to stop me. I winced, causing Luke to give me a confused look.

"Beau can't take us to school today. He had to leave early to work on a project." Luke explained slowly with one raised eyebrow. "Anyways, I figured we could walk together today. It's been awhile since we just really talked."

"Sure, Luke. That sounds great." I agreed, but on the inside I was screaming. I didn't want to spend anymore time than I had to with Luke. I just wanted to be left alone. If I was alone then no one could hurt me. I also definitely did not want to share anything with Luke of all people. We may have been twins, but he had never really understood me or my problems.

As Luke and I started the long 30 minute walk to school, we fell into an awkward silence. Neither of us knew what to say to the other...not that I wanted or needed to say anything to Luke. I couldn't talk to him anymore. We were just two different people now. The days where I could pour my heart out to him and expect him to understand completely were over. We weren't those bright eyed happy go lucky kids anymore. We had both changed and went in two separate directions. Nothing could ever change that.

"So...." Luke finally starts. "James tells me that you two aren't friends anymore." I froze for a second before carefully responding to what Luke had said.

"Yeah, apparently I've been moody and he just decided I wasn't worth being friends with. It's not really a big deal or anything. Life happens." I explained, faking a laugh.

"That doesn't sound right." Luke said more to himself than me. He knitted his eyebrows together in confusion before glancing up at me to continue. "You've been different lately, Jai. You never talk to me or anyone else for that matter. You're either in our room sulking or you're giving Mum a hard time and I just don't get it. This isn't you. You've always been the nicest person I knew, but now you've been downright mean to everyone around you. You've even made Beau cry a few times..." 

"You just wouldn't understand Luke. We're two two different people. Stop trying to act like we're not." 

"No, Jai. You're wrong. Yes, we're two different people. We're also twins, though. And as your twin I'll never judge you for anything. You have to know that. I care and seeing you go downhill like this is really hurting me. Please just let me understand!" Luke begged as he stopped walking and just stared into my eyes as if he was trying to silently tell me how much he really meant those words.

I considered it for a moment as I stopped walking as well. I desperately wanted to tell Luke what was going on. He had always been there for me when we were younger. But, I don't think I could ever tell him this. Luke would be ashamed of me for being so weak in the first place. I realized I was falling farther and farther everyday, but for now I just needed to hold on and tough it out. One day, I could look at him and tell him everything. That day, however, was not today. That day wouldn't come for a long time. I was still being bullied and until I wasn't anymore, Luke could never find out.

"I can't tell you..." I whispered, looking down to stare at my shoes. I couldn't look Luke in the eyes at this point. I was weak and I was ashamed. I don't know how I could ever possibly look him in the eye ever again. I felt tears bubble up to the surface, so I squeezed my eyes shut in attempt to keep them locked in. It was too late, though. The first tear slipped out without permission, and then more and more followed after it in a waterfall of emotion.

"Jai." I heard Luke say a split second before I was being wrapped in the comforting arms of my twin brother. It felt nice to receive the comfort I usually never received, but I knew that I didn't deserve this. No matter how much I wanted to just cry into Luke's shoulder, I knew that it was a bad idea. I had hit my breaking point, and I had hit it in front of Luke. That should have ever happened. I'm supposed to be strong. I can't let him see how weak I really am. 

"Let me go, Luke!" I barely managed to get out through my harsh sobs. Luke didn't budge. If anything he just held onto me tighter and tighter. With a heavy sigh, I forcefully pushed Luke away from me and wiped my tears on my sleeve.

"Jai, what's going on? Why were you crying? Why did you push me away? Are you okay?" Luke stood from where he had fallen when I had pushed him, and started to ask me question after question.

"I'm fine, Luke. Don't worry about me. I'm just moody, remember." I faked a sarcastic smile in his direction before turning to walk away. 

"Jai, we need to talk!" Luke called after me, slightly angry.

"What's that Luke? Sorry, can't hear you. Now, hurry up we're going to be late for school!" I called over my shoulder, ignoring the look of hurt, anger, and betrayal that seemed to be permanently etched into my twin's face nowadays every time he was around me.


	11. Chapter 11

I broke earlier, and in front of Luke. He was definitely going to either tell Beau or our Mum. Neither of them needed anymore trouble. I hated to cause them problems, but that was all I ever seemed to do. They both worked hard to make sure Luke and I had everything we ever needed. They didn't deserve to have me screwing up their lives constantly.

I stormed into the school just as the warning bell was ringing. Luke was definitely going to be late, but I couldn't worry about him right now even if the guilt of how I treated him wasn't consuming me. I felt a hand grab my shoulder and turned to see some guy Luke was friends with. I think his name was Corey or something like that.

"Hey, just wanted to know if you-" He started, but I immediately interrupted him. He probably thought I was Luke. It happens so much that I can't help but to get frustrated instead of laughing it off like I used.

"Jai, not Luke!" I spoke sharply. Our friends could tell us apart most of the time, but there were still the odd occasions where they confused us for one another.

"Oh, yeah. I know. I just wanted to ask you if Luke's okay and everything. Since you are his twin, I figured you of all people would know." Corey laughed uneasily, rubbing the back of his head.

"What do you mean?" I asked, genuinely confused. I hadn't noticed anything off about Luke lately. Was he actually not okay? Was I just being too self-absorbed to notice?

"It's probably nothing if you haven't noticed." Corey laughed. "Luke's just seemed really sad and stressed lately. He's been moody and irritable, even for him. I don't know. I'm just really worried that something is bothering him."

"I haven't noticed anything." I admitted. "Are you sure? This is Luke Brooks we're talking about. He does have anger issues if you haven't noticed already."

"But, it's more than that!" Corey raised his voice slightly. "He called me crying last night. I shouldn't tell you this, but he told me about how everything was falling apart and that he didn't know what to do anymore. There is something seriously wrong with him."

"I'll talk to him, but he does edit all of our YouTube videos. Sometimes all of that editing mixed with homework and studying can stress him out."

"Thanks Jai." Corey smiled at me. "Luke's lucky to have a brother like you!"

"No he's not..." I whispered to myself as Corey walked away. "Luke's not lucky at all."

-

"Hey loser! Why don't you join our group?" Dylan insisted in a tone that held no room for argument. We were currently in our first period Math class, and like all of the lazy teachers that don't want to do work, our teacher gave us packets and had us split into groups of our choosing.

"Umm, I...ok." I agreed knowing from past experiences that if I refused then I would be in more pain than he already had planned. I quickly stood up and went to sit with Dylan and his cronies. I already knew how it would go down. I would do all of the work and they would be left to goof off all period before copying my answers. 

"So I ran into Luke this morning after your little spat." Dylan informed me nonchalantly. My head shot up with those words. I narrowed my eyes at him. It was one thing to hurt me and a completely different thing to hurt Luke.

"What did you do to him?" I spat venomously. He raised an eyebrow at me as his friends started to snicker from beside him.

"Relax." Dylan chuckled dangerously. "Sorry, but even I wouldn't want to face the wrath of an angry Luke Brooks. We just had a little talk and I may or may not of told him a few things that you may or may not have actually said."

"What did you say to him?" I whispered.

"I don't think you even want to know, Baby Brooks."

I stood up slowly as I felt dread fill my stomach. Luke and I had already had one fight. We didn't need anyone else making it worse. Ignoring the screams from our teacher, I ran out of the room and stumbled my way to the bathroom. 

I locked myself in a stall, before falling to my knees and puking my guts out. I didn't know a lot at this point, but what I did know was that this day started out bad and was about to end up a lot worse. There was no possible way it couldn't end badly for me. I was too much of a wimp to stand up to my bullies. It's funny, Luke and I basically have the same muscles since we always work out together, yet Luke's the intimidating twin. He's the twin who everyone fears. I'm the twin that's expendable. I'm the failure that just happens to be identical to an amazing person.

"Are you alright in there, whoever you are?" I heard James voice ask through the locked stall door. Of course it's James. He's always been such a sweet person, but I just had to be cruel to him. I took a deep breath and unlocked the door. James eyes bulged out when he saw it was me.

"Hey James." I spoke timidly, in almost a whisper. He turned away from me as a thick tension entered the air. Neither of us knew what to say. We had a fight and now we weren't friends anymore. To top it off, we both knew that it was all my fault.

"Jai, I-"

"James, I-"

We both smiled at each other as we both started to simultaneously apologize. James was the friend that I could always count on, even when everything went bad, James always had my back.

"I'm sorry." I spoke up. "I was a huge jerk and I don't know how I could ever make it up to you."

"You don't have to." James smiled grimly at me. "I've been a huge jerk, too. At least you didn't drag Luke into this. He blew up at me and started crying the last time I complained about you, and honestly I hate myself for dragging him into our fight."

"Don't worry about it James. Luke isn't too happy with me right now, and honestly I can't blame him."

"What did you do to him?" James asked curiously.

"Everything."


	12. Chapter 12

To say I was nervous when I walked into English class was an understatement. I didn't really want to face Luke, knowing that Dylan had potentially said something to cause the rift between us to grow even deeper. I had to, though. If it wasn't now, then it would be later. In a place that he was more likely to hit me at. After all, we did share a room. 

"Hey Luke!" I greeted with fake enthusiasm as I sat down next to him. I could barely see him move, but he quickly gave me a stiff nod in return. 

"Jai." Luke greeted, only because he had to. 

"Luke, I just want you to know that I'm sorry about this morning. I shouldn't have pushed you away or said any of those cruel things I said." I apologized, trying to make him forgive me. "I love you, Luke. Just know that. No matter what happens or what anyone says."

"Oh yeah, well what about trust?" Luke countered. "Can you honestly say any of that if you can't even trust me enough to tell me what's wrong with you? You're different, Jai. So, different. I don't even know what to do anymore."

"I was a jerk to James and I've been feeling extremely guilty, but we made up today so it's all good!" I replied enthusiastically, smiling brightly at my twin brother. "I'm sorry I've been so distant Luke. I really am. I promise to tell you everything from now on!"

"Oh come on, Jai!" Luke yelled. "I'm your twin brother! You know I can tell when you lie to me. What's really going on?" 

I hesitated for a minute. I had two options. I could either break down and tell Luke everything or I could save him the embarrassment of having such a pathetic twin brother. It was a hard choice to make, honestly. I used to tell Luke everything, but now I could only feed him lies. Lies that he chose to believe half the time. Lied that not even he could see through. 

"I don't really know, to be honest." I admitted to him. His glare softened a tiny bit before he sighed and turned away from me. He was frustrated, that was obvious. I had bigger problems, though. I still didn't know what Dylan had told him, and I have a feeling that it wasn't anything good. 

"You really expect me to believe that?" Luke asked in disbelief. "I guess He was right."

"Who was right?" I questioned. Luke just shrugged his shoulders in response. 

"If you don't trust me, I don't trust you. It's that simple." Luke replied nonchalantly. I couldn't believe my ears at that. I was losing my twin and there was nothing that I could do to stop it. 

I felt a single tear slip down my face, but luckily Luke never saw it. I had already been too vulnetable in front of him for one day. I didn't need to break down in front of him again. 

"Jai, are you feeling better now?" James asked me, taking a seat on my other side. I cringed internally at his question. It had captured Luke's attention and I really didn't need him worrying any more than he already was about me. I could take care of myself, but no one seemed to be able to understand that.

"I'm fine, James." I promised, shooting my best friend a small smile.

"Of course he's fine!" Luke piped up angrily, "Jai is always fine. Nothing ever bothers him. I wish we could all be as carefree as Jai is!"

"Ooohkaaaay, who activated extra-savage Luke-more because your sassiness is on pointe today?" James asked with a small chuckle. Luke rolled his eyes dramatically.

"Well maybe there's a bit of trouble in twinland. It tends to be activated whenever that happens." Luke looked at me pointedly as he said that. I flinched slightly in response. He was angry. That was extremely obvious, but what wasn't obvious was how I was going to fix this mess. Because from where I was standing, it seemed like everything was pointless.

-  
I stormed into my house alone. Luke had opted to walk home with his friends instead of with me. Honestly, I couldn't say that I didn't see that coming. After that huge fight we had earlier today, I would have wanted to avoid me too. 

Lately, no matter how hard I tried, it seemed like I was always letting someone down. Whether it was Beau, my Mum, Luke, or even James, it was always someone and I was really started to hate myself for it. I was nothing but a disappointment and my friends and family deserved better.

"Jye!" I heard a screechy voice from the couch scream in excitement. I glanced over to the couch and was surprised to see Daniel lounging on it with his phone. 

"Skip?" I was genuinely surprised. Beau wasn't home, and neither was Luke. He only ever came over when at least one of the two was going to be here. Never when it was just me.

"Sorry, Mate. Didn't meant to scare you." Daniel apologized with a laugh. "I was just waiting for Luke or Beau to get here."

"No worries. I completely understand. Trust me." I reassured him. I watched as his eyebrows knitted up in confusion and he shot me a strange glance.

"What's that supposed to mean, Jai?" Daniel asked slowly, and it was then that I realized my mistake. I needed to be happy-go-lucky, but I had been the exact opposite lately. I had been rude, cruel, and depressing. Not only that, but I had taken out my anger on the people around me. What kind of friend was I? Or brother? Or even son? I was just torturing the people I cared about and I needed to stop.

"Nothing, Daniel. I'm just in my own little world. Anyway, Luke should be home any minute."


	13. Chapter 13

Have you ever felt so lost that you don't know if it's even possible to be found again? That's how I felt right now. I was currently in my room listening to Luke and Daniel play FIFA in the lounge room. It sounded like they were having a lot of fun, and I sort of wanted to join them. I couldn't though. I wasn't invited, and Luke was too mad at me right now. 

As soon as Luke walked in the door, he was shooting daggers at me. I never thought it was possible, but somehow I had made my own twin hate me. How does that even happen? Luke and I were supposed to be a package deal from the start. We were supposed to always be there for each other no matter what happened, but somehow that just didn't happen. We had went in two separate directions and seemingly drifted apart overnight.

It wasn't Luke's fault, though. I was solely the one to blame. I had pushed him away when I needed him the most and now it was too late. I had lost my twin brother. Just like how I had lost my oldest brother as well. 

I had hurt Beau more than I could possibly imagine, and I honestly never even meant to do it. I was just scared. And angry. I was scared and angry and I took it out on him when he honestly never even deserved that. He did so much and that how I chose to repay him. 

-

"Beau, can I talk to you?" I asked him as I followed him to his room after dinner. He glanced at me and my face dropped as I saw that huge 'No' on his face before he even said anything. 

"I don't know, Jai..." Beau sighed. "I don't think that the best idea due to...recent events. How about I take a reign check on that for next time?" My face fell even farther with those words. Beau didn't even want to talk to me anymore. I had hurt him so bad that he hated me now, and honestly I couldn't even blame him. 

"Oh...sure thing, Beau. I understand." I tried to keep the disappointment out of my tone as I played astound with the many bracelets covering my wrists. Beau narrowed his eyes at the movement and I felt like my heart was about to beat out of my chest in response. 

"Jai, is there something important that you need to tell me?" Beau asked, trying to send me a message with his eyes. I held eye contact for a split second before diverting my eyes to stare at my shoes. 

"No. It can wait. Sorry for bothering you!" I Quickly apologized before Beau could ask too many questions. 

"Wait, Jai!" Beau raised his voice and successfully stopped me from leaving. "I noticed you're wearing a lot of bracelets. Is there any particular reason for that?"

"No," I gulped nervously. "I just really like them. Is that weird?" Inside I was screaming. I figured that if I covered my scars with bracelets then no one would actually notice them. Yet, here I was. Beau was suspicious.

"No, that's fine. It's just those are a lot of bracelets." Beau explained before letting out a sigh. "You do know that if you ever need to tell me anything, anything at all, I'll never judge you for it, right Jai?"

"Yeah, I know." 

"Jai, I just want you to know I mean that. You can tell me anything."

"I'll keep that in mind." I shot Beau a smile before looking away. "Thanks, Beau."

As I walked away, I couldn't help but think about how bad things were getting. Luke practically hated me right now and Beau was suspicious. I don't even remember the last time my Mum actually looked at me with love in her eyes. My family was falling apart and it was all my fault. I felt tears start to roll down my face as I made my way into my room.

-

I woke up on the couch with a start. That's funny I don't remember falling asleep on the couch. I quickly sat up, only to fall back down. I got up again and headed to my room where I should have been.

I had a weird feeling of dread after the first few steps. It was weird, but I almost felt like I was in a daze.

When I reached my room I was surprised to find Luke standing in the middle of it. He turned to me as I walked in and the state he was in honestly scared me. His eyes looked soulless, almost like they were lost and unfocused. He was standing in a way that seemed very intimidating and made me want to leave the room immediately. It was his right hand, though, that truly caught me off-guard. He was clenching it so tightly that blood was dripping onto the floor.

"When were you going to tell me?" I gasped in shock as Luke was suddenly in front of me. I tried to speak, but no words would come out. Luke brought his hand up until it was eye level with me and then he slowly opened his palm. My face paled as I saw what he was holding. It was the blade that I had used so many times to hack open my own wrists. "ANSWER ME JAI?!"

-

"AHHHH!!!" I woke up on my bed with a loud scream. Immediately, tears started to flow down my face as I tried to repeatedly convince myself that it wasn't real. After a few moments, I was able to calm down. The dream had just seemed so real. The scary part was that could actually happen. It could happen any day now. At this point it was just a waiting game that I didn't want to see end.

With that thought in mind, I retrieved that very blade and hacked away all of the pain from my wrists and thighs. Eventually, the pain turned into a feeling of numbness and I became more lost than ever before.


	14. Chapter 14

Life was pointless. That's all I could say at this point. I had went to far on my wrists this time and there was no way I could hide all of it. To make matters worse, Beau was suspicious of something being wrong. I almost preferred Luke being angry with me to Beau giving me the pity I didn't deserve. 

I quickly avoided both of my brothers and started my wall to school. I kept glancing down at my wrists nervously the entire time. It's too hot this time of year to wear long sleeve shirts so that had been out of the question, and I tried to put on as many bracelets as possible, but I had ran out. The bracelets covered a lot of it, but you could still clearly see the fresh cuts that littered both my arms.

My goal today was to try to avoid as many people as possible. Hopefully then no one would notice my fresh cuts or any of my other scars. As long as no one saw them, I was good.

Thankfully, I made it to school right before the bell for home room rang, so I headed there immediately. Luke just happened to be in the same home room as me, so my avoidance was going to start pretty early. 

When I walked into the room, my breathe caught in my throat. Luke was already in the room. He looked so happy, surrounded by his friends. Luke eyes sparkled brightly with a hint of mischief and he had a grin bigger than I've seen in a long time. My heart clenched in my chest as I realized how happy my twin would be if I wasn't in his life to cause him misery. 

If I had never of been born, Luke's life would be practically perfect. Luke was a great person and had a wonderful personality. Most people loved him until they found out he had a twin brother. After they discovered that, they would compare us and all of my flaws seemed to reflect onto Luke after that. 

If only I wasn't alive to ruin his life...

I looked down at the floor as I walked in the room and took a seat at an empty desk in the back of the room. Isolation was key today and this corner of the room was pretty empty. 

"Jai?" I was snapped out of my thoughts as Luke kneeled in front of my desk with a questioning look. "Are you okay? You look really pale."

"M'fine. I just had a long walk." I replied simply. 

"You should have waited for Beau and I this morning. We drove like usual." Luke smirked, obviously thinking this was all a joke. 

"What do you want, Luke?" I sighed loudly, earning a glare from Luke in return. 

"To know why my twin brother suddenly hates everyone!" 

-

"Hey little Jai-Jai!" Dylan sing-songed, running up to me in the empty hallway. This was great. If Dylan saw my arms my life would be over. He would either torture me until the truth came out or he would laugh and tell everyone himself.

"H-Hey Dylan." I stuttered out. He smirked at me when he noticed my stutter and I mentally slapped myself at my own stupidity. I stared at my shoes so I didn't have to look at his stupid smirk. If I just didn't make him mad, then maybe everything would be okay.

"That's cute! Little Jai-Jai is giving up!" Dylan snickered before gesturing to his friend Matt. Matt stepped forward and grabbed me by the front of my shirt before slinging me to the floor and sitting on my back. He had to be twice my body weight, so that just mad him crushing me that much worse.

"Didn't even put up a fight." Matt chuckled to himself. I groaned from where I lay on the floor. It was hard to breathe with him crushing me like that. I thought that it couldn't get much worse until it actually did.

"What's this?" Dylan said suddenly intrigued, catching everyone's attention. "Get off him for a sec, Matt."

"What is it?" Matt asked him after jumping off of me. Now I was confused. If his friends didn't know what was going on, then that can't possibly be good. Dylan was smart. That wasn't a good thing for someone like me who he absolutely hated.

"Show me your arm, Jai." Dylan drawled, smirking. I felt nothing but terror in that moment. I didn't expect anyone to notice. He couldn't notice. If Dylan knew then my life would practically be over. It would just be one more thing for him to harass me about. Who knows how miserable he could make me if he knew.

"I'm good." I tried to keep my voice confident, so that maybe he would be thrown off the trail he had grasped onto. His smirk seemed to grow even wider at that point. Dylan walked closer to me and crouched down next to me. Keeping eye contact with me he grabbed my arm and squeezed hard, causing me to flinch and let out a small whimper of pain. His smirk grew even wider as he flipped my arm over and stared down at it in amazement.

"Aww, looks like Jai-Jai is a cutter! How cute!"


	15. Chapter 15

"Wow, I can't believe this! This is comedy gold!" Dylan laughed. I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. This was the one thing I never wanted to happen, and of course it happened.

"Dylan, please!" I begged, trying to give him the message of not saying anything. 

"Dylan, please!" He mocked back. "Don't count on it, Jai. By the end of today your life is going to be over."

-

Dylan told everyone. As I went through my classes, I could hear the countless whispers of things that I could only imagine. Things that I honestly didn't want to hear. Then, if people weren't whispering, they were staring and that didn't feel to good either.

Then Luke found me during lunch break. 

"Jai..." Luke breathed my name as he sat down next to me in the library. I loved to hide in the library, because no one ever came here during lunch break. "Please tell me it's not true!"

"Ok, its not true." I told him, refusing to meet his eyes. I saw Luke clench his fists through the corner of my eye. You could tell he didn't believe me. I couldn't bare to actually say it to his face though. 

"Thank God!" Luke sighed in relief, surprising me. I figured he would call me out on my lie, not completely accept it without a second thought. Luke always knew when I was lying, so it wasn't likely that he actually believed my obvious lie. 

I guess it takes something as big as this to show you how expendable you really are. Luke doesn't care. He just accepted what I said, and that hurt more than any bruise I could get. 

"What if I was?" I said without thinking.

"What? You aren't though, so don't even worry about it." Luke faked a laugh. 

"What if I was, though. Would you even care?"

"Jai, why are you talking like this of course I would care. It's not a problem right now, so we shouldn't even be having this conversation."

"Well in that case, tell Mum I'm spending the night at James' house." I ordered. I was hurt. Luke chose not to see the truth and honestly I felt unwanted now. Without waiting for A response, I ran out of the room and down the hallway towards the back door. If I wasn't wanted, I wouldn't stay. 

"Jai?" I turned to see Beau staring at me. "Come here, right now!"

"What do you want, Beau!" I couldn't help but snap. Everything was becoming too much and I didn't know how much more I could take, if any at all. Before I could stop myself, I started to cry. This was something I promised myself never to do in front of Beau, but I couldn't stop myself. Everything was just happening too fast and I was so sick of fighting it. I just needed to let go once and for all.

"Jai, it's okay." Beau' s voice was gentle as he tried to calm me down. I let myself be wrapped in a warm hug that I didn't know I was craving. As I buried my face in my older brother's chest, I couldn't help but wonder when the last time anyone had hugged me like this was. I've always just been there. Always in the background away from anyone's worry, but the time had come where I couldn't cope much longer. 

"It's not okay, Beau. It's not." I whispered.

"Jai," Beau hesitated, "what's going on with you? There's rumor going on that your doing drugs and I don't even know how to feel about that."

"What?" The rumor was that I was doing drugs? Now I was confused. Dylan hadn't told anyone and I didn't know why. He hated me and I hated him, but he chose to instead ruin my life with something slightly better than the truth. Why?

"You. Doing drugs in the bathroom this morning. Everyone is talking about it and a few people actually told me I needed to tighten your leash." Beau reiterated.

"Beau, I'm not doing drugs. I promise you that I would never do something as stupid as that." I promised. Beau let out a sigh of relief and patted me on the head, much to my annoyance. 

I could barely focus on that, though. Dylan could have ruined my life, but he didn't. I should be relieved, but all I felt was worry and anxiety. Dylan had to be plotting something. He knew my biggest secret, but chose to keep it to himself. There has to be a reason, and honestly I didn't want to find out.

-

"I thought you were staying at James' house...." Luke said slowly as he walked inside the house to find me laying on the couch. Oh yeah. There was that lie.

"Changed my mind." I monotoned, still stressed out from earlier. Luke looked upset at my words, and I felt a stab of pain in return. Did he suddenly not want me around anymore?

"Oh..."

"Wow, at least try to hide your disappointment." I scoffed. I couldn't believe it. He was acting like he really didn't want me to come home. "I'll be in our room."

"Jai, wait!" I turned to Luke expectantly, but no words came out of his mouth. He just opens and closed his mouth a few times wordlessly, and it was then that my suspicions were confirmed. Luke really didn't care. I was alone and I had no one.


	16. Chapter 16

A//N: this chapter is probably more triggering than any of the others. I also wanted to make clear that I'm not romanticizing self-harm. This is from Jai's point of view. If you do self harm and are able to get help, please do so. 

I stormed to my room in a rush of different emotions. Honestly, I had no idea how to feel. Luke, my own twin brother, didn't want me around anymore. He had seemed disappointed about the fact that I was actually home. I didn't know how to feel about that. 

I needed to cut again. It wasn't like Luke was going to come in anytime soon, so I figured I was safe to cut.

I fished my sharpest blade from under my mattress and stared at it in all its beauty. This was all I needed now. My secret best friend. This blade would never betray me like so many people already had.

It's silver edge looked sharp to the touch, and from prior experience I knew just how true that was. It was funny how such a little object could do so much damage. It was damage I needed, though. I deserved this pain and so much more.

I set to work immediately, pressing the sharp, silver blade into my soft flesh. It looked so out of place against my arm, but I knew inside that this was only right. I was a failure and failures deserve to be punished. 

I pressed the blade harshly into my skin and dragged it across the fragile surface. Almost immediately, blood started to bead up to the surface and I couldn't help but to admire the contrast between my pale flesh and the dark red blood. I needed more. I hacked away at my flesh before realizing that I needed to do something else. 

I needed to demolish the skin on my thighs, as well.

I'm starting to think I'm pretty messed up.

///  
I left my room a few hours later in search of some dinner. I wasn't prepared for the wave of hurt that overcame me as soon as I made eye contact with Luke.

"Oh Jai, you're out of your room!" My mother noted happily. I made eye contact with Luke. He didn't want or need me anymore.

"Mum, I...I want to stay with Nonna and Nonno for awhile."

"You mean for the weekend?" She asked, shooting me a look.

"No, I mean maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months." I elaborated. I looked up at her with hopeful puppy dog eyes, but as luck would have it, she did not seem too happy with my idea.

"Is my house suddenly not good enough for You? Or do you think it's a good idea to harass your grandparents and send them into heart failure?" She insinuated, shooting me dirty glares.

"I don't meant it like that! I swear!"

"I think he does. He suddenly thinks he's too good for our family."   
Luke piped up. "And I did hear a nasty little rumour about him doing drugs."

My Mum gasped.

"It's not true!" I blurted out. "Dylan hates me so he made that up. You know I would never do something like that."

My Mum stared at me hard before her expression finally softened. 

"You can stay the weekend with them, but that's it. You have school that you can't miss."

"Can I go, too." Luke piped up. " I've been having nightmares lately and I don't think I can sleep without my Jai Jai!" He was lying, but Mum just cooed at how adorable Luke was like usual.

"Of course, Luke. You two are twins after all!"

Luke smirked at me when she wasn't looking.

///

"I don't know what you're up to, Jai Brooks, but mark my words, I will find out!" Luke promised as we were packing our stuff to go to our grandparents house. 

"I could tell you the same thing!" I scoffed. Luke was such a hypocrite. He would lie and cheat and hide things as long as he benefited in the end. That was hardly what I was doing. I just wanted to get away for the weekend without anyone hurting me. I had been hurt enough already. I didn't need anything added to that.

"Really, because I'm actually the nice twin right now. You've been nothing but stuck up and obnoxious lately. You're just so selfish Jai. I get sick of it. Not everything revolves around you." Luke punctuated his hurtful statement with an eye roll. 

"You think I'm trying to hurt you, Luke?" I asked incredulously. " I've been trying to stay out of the way, so which one of us is really the selfish one?" 

"Whatever, Jai. You don't fool me." Luke laughed.


	17. Chapter 17

"You boys have fun and try to take it easy on your grandparents." Mum told Luke and I as she was dropping us off at their house. I could vaguely see Luke roll his eyes at her, but she only ignored it. Just like she always does.

"Of course, Mum!" Luke said cheerily, batting his eyes at her.

"Luke, go on inside. I want to talk to Jai for a minute." Mum ordered, catching both of our attention. Luke glanced at me before making his way inside. I stiffened sat the thought of what she wanted to say to me.

"What is it Mum?" I asked curiously. 

"I know that you've been upset by something these last few months, but just try to pull it together for me. You're Nonno and Nonna are too old to deal with any shenanigans. So, please, try not to create any more trouble with Luke. For me." I was left standing there stunned as she gave me a quick kiss on the forehead and left. It was true. My own mother thought I was a problem. I dint know how to cope with that. My entire life I've always known she loves me and my absent father shouldn't matter, but what if that was just a lie? What if this entire time she only loved me out of obligation?

I ran inside and tried to pretend that nothing was wrong. I was tough. I could handle this. 

When I walked inside, my grandparents were cooing over Luke and I couldn't help but feel a stab of jealousy. Luke was loved by everyone no matter where he went. Me on the other hand? My grandparents were the only people that truly loved me. I just wanted to spend some time with them and feel loved for once. Luke, however, had to come along and ruin that.

I walked over to the three having the time of their lives in the kitchen and stood there hoping someone would notice me. Nonno didn't. Nonna didn't. So, why did I even come here?

I felt a tear drip and fall down my cheek. I may have wanted what Luke had, but I know that I'll never actually get that. 

I'm alone.

"Jai?" I looked up to see very one glancing at me worriedly. I decided to fake a laugh for the sake of their happiness.

"I'm fine. I'm just really tired. I'm going to get some sleep." I lied before basically sprinting to the room Luke and I stay in whenever we spend the night here. I flopped down on the bed I usually slept on. It's funny, but I've never felt more alone than I do now. I had a twin, so technically that meant I was never alone, but honestly I thought that wasn't true in the slightest. I was all alone and it was my own fault. I had pushed everyone away when I needed someone the most. I couldn't do that anymore. I decided that as soon as this weekend was over, I was going to find James and tell him everything. He was my best friend and he deserved an explanation.

"Jai?" I shot up at the sound of Luke's voice and quickly wiped the tears off of my face. Luke was looking at me with an expressionless look on his face, and I had no idea what was running through his head. I didn't really want to find out anyways. Luke and I just weren't close anymore. I sat up completely and faked a smile towards him, causing him to frown.

"What is it, Luke?" 

"Cut the crap! What's your problem. One minute you're crying and then the next you're smiling. Just tell me what's wrong already." Luke huffed, running a hand through his hair stressfully.

"I'm fine, Luke." I spoke softly, trying not to antagonize him any further. Luke let out a sigh and sat on my bed next to me. He sat there quietly for a few minutes before clearing his throats and speaking his next words softly.

"You know Ava Kelly, right?"

I nodded.

"Did you know she cuts herself?" I immediately froze, which didn't go unnoticed by Luke.

"What? How do you know?" I asked, staring at Luke intently.

"Come on, Jai. You've seen all of her bracelets. They're not fooling anyone. Honestly, the more she tried to hide it, the more obvious it became. No one wears that many bracelets for no reason." Luke looked me dead in the eyes as he was saying this, and that was when I figured it out. Luke knew I cut myself. He knew, he just wasn't saying anything. He didn't want to say anything. Saying something would be acknowledging it, and that was a conversation neither of us wanted to have.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. I was curious. Or maybe it was because deep down I craved for someone to notice that I wasn't okay. I wanted Luke to be that someone. I had once trusted him with my life, but that was then and this is now.

"No reason." He shrugged. "You know I love me some gossip. Plus, Dylan told me that maybe I should tell you about her. He said you've been crushing on her pretty hard." 

"Dylan said what?!" I shouted, surprising Luke. Luke blinked in confusion at my behavior before answering me.

"He told me you liked Ava. It was kind of weird. I thought you two hated each other now."

"We do. I can't stand the guy and I don't like Ava." I laughed.

"Oh well, that's good I guess." Luke nodded. "You remind me of her, though. A lot."

Luke walked out without another word and left me sitting there more confused than ever.

At first, I thought that maybe Luke knew. Maybe he knew I self-harmed and thought about dying on a regular basis. But maybe he didn't. It's easy to see the secrets of strangers, but almost impossible to see the secrets of those closest to you.


	18. Chapter 18

Dinner at our grandparents was chatter-filled for everyone besides me. As I picked mindlessly at my food, I couldn't help but think about what Luke had said to me earlier. Apparently, I reminded him of Ava. 

Nobody at school liked Ava. She was depressed and socially awkward. If you even tried to talk to her, she would snap at you or even punch you if she was in a bad mood. I don't think she even has any friends.

Was that how Luke saw me? If anything that made me feel even more worthless than I already did. My brother was probably ashamed of me, but it wasn't like he could just deny being related. We had the same face. It was impossible for anyone to not know we were brothers.

That made me wonder about what he had implied earlier. I was 90% sure Luke knew I self-harmed, but for some reason he didn't say anything to me about it. He knew I needed help, but left me to suffer in silence. Was I really that much of an embarrassment that he was just going to let me slowly kill myself? 

I wasn't stupid. I knew what self harm was and how it could affect you. Every day my thoughts became more and more morbid. I've gone from wishing to die to thinking about all of the different ways that I could kill myself. It was only a matter of time before I acted on those thoughts.

"LukeJai, why aren't you eating you're food?" Nonno asked, drawing me away from my thoughts. I looked up to see that everyone had already finished their food, but I still had a full plate.

"Oh, I'm not feeling that well." I said. It was the truth, just not in the sense they thought I was talking about. "I think I'm going to take a walk and get some fresh air."

"Feel better." Nonna said, ruffling my hair as she picked my plate up. I nodded slowly before getting up and making my way outside.

As I stepped into the cold air, I began to wonder what I was really doing here. No one actually wanted me anymore. Maybe I should have offed myself months ago to save everyone some pain. 

It had to be tonight.

I didn't know how I was going to do it, but what I did know was that I had to say goodbye to James at least. He was my best friend, so he deserved that much. I quickly pulled out my phone and dialed his number.

"What's up, Jai?" James asked cheerily as he answered his phone. I let out a sigh. This was going to be a lot harder than I originally thought. "Jai, you there?"

"Yeah."

"You okay?" James asked concerned.

"Yeah."

"Jai, you're scaring me a little." James admitted. I could hear the worry in his voice, but it just wasn't enough.

"I was just calling to say goodbye. I have to go, so you won't see me again."

"Go? Where are you going, Jai? Are you guys moving or something?" James asked in confusion. I had to smile at his naivety.

"Something like that. I just wanted to tell my best friend bye one more time."

"One more time? What's that supposed to mean, Jai?"

"Nothing." I smiled to myself. "Will you tell Beau I said I'm sorry."

I hung up before he could say anything else. It was time. I needed to figure out how I was going to do this and fast. He was most likely calling Daniel, not knowing what to make of my strange behavior. Daniel would most likely call either Beau or Luke. If he called Beau then that meant I had some extra time, but I didn't want to take that chance.

I walked into the nearest store I could find. I needed some drugs to do this with since I could never bring myself to cut deep enough. I walked over to the over-the-counter drug section and grabbed 4 bottles of Advil. Then, I walked up to the register and grabbed a couple monsters. 

The cashier raised her eyebrow at me before plastering a smile onto her face. She had probably guessed what I was about to do. It wasn't her job to stop me though, so she wasn't even going to try.

I left with my bag of stuff and wandered to the park. It was late at night, so it was empty. There was no one around and that also meant that no one could stop me. I was all alone

...or so I thought.

"It's not worth it you know." I looked up and was hit by a wave of surprise and a wave of fear. 

"Dylan?" I exclaimed in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Stopping you from making a huge mistake. May I sit?"

"Not my bench." I mumbled, scared that Dylan of all people had found me.

"Well alright then." He sat down beside me and just sat there for a minute. "I'm sorry." He spoke up finally.

"What?" I was confused. He had put me through so much and now he was apologizing.

"I know we pretty much hate each other, but we were friends before." He trailed off.

"And your point is?" He shot me a glare, causing me to shut my mouth.

"My point is that you know about my Mom. About how she died a few years back."

"Yeah, I remember. I don't see what you're getting at though."

"Just listen, Jai." Dylan took a deep breath, almost like it pained him to speak. "She didn't just die. She overdosed in the bathtub, Jai. My Dad fought with her every day and it drove her to that point. Just like how I did the same to you, and for that I'm sorry."

"I..I..." I stuttered, not knowing what to say.

"You don't have to say anything. Just don't do anything stupid. If you died because of me, I'd never forgive myself."

"You hate me, though." I whispered.

"Yeah, but I don't want you to kill yourself because of me. I don't want to be that same monster my dad was." Dylan explained, standing up. "I'll stay away from now on, Jai. Try to do the same."


	19. Chapter 19

When I walked back in my grandparents' house, everyone was happily watching old Italian movies and none the wiser to the fact that I just almost attempted suicide. They were just as happy as I left them, if not happier. 

Who knows? Maybe James had called Luke after all and they were all just basking in the thought of life without me. They would definitely be happier without me there to mess everything up.

Why would anyone actually need me anyways? There was a better copy walking around, and he wouldn't ever let down the people I have. I was the mistake that couldn't stop messing things up if he tried. 

I let out a sigh. It hurt so much knowing that things were like this, and that they would never get better. I wasn't stupid. People always say that things will get better. It's never true, though. Things don't get better. You just get better at letting life walk all over you.

"Oh, Jai. You're back." Luke spoke up from the couch almost sounding like he was disappointed. I glanced at him to see that he was frowning. I felt a stab of pain at the realization that he didn't want me here. My own twin hated me and wanted me out of the picture.

"Yeah. I'm back." I said monotonously. I walked over to the couch and sat down next to him, causing him to scoot away from me. That hurt even more.

"Did you have a nice walk, dear?" Nonna asked. I nodded my head in response.

"Yeah, I just really needed some fresh air." I smiled at her. She nodded her head before focusing her attention back on the movie. Soon, she started to nod off. Nonno was already sleeping in his recliner, so that left just Luke and I awake.

"She fell asleep fast." Luke chuckled, more to himself than to me.

"Yep." I agreed anyways. Luke glanced at me for a moment before looking away. I could tell he wanted to say something to me, I just didn't know what.

"Is something wrong, Luke?" I asked gently.

"Gee, I don't know, Jai!" Luke laughed sarcastically. "You've only been gone for about five hours!"

"Was it really that long?" I asked, skeptically. I knew I was gone for a while, but I didn't think it was that long.

"Yep, not that you care. I swear, you're so selfish!

"Stop saying that!" I raised my voice, causing Nonna to stir. "You're always calling me selfish, but it's not true."

"Whatever you say!" Luke scoffed. "Although, with how you've been treating everyone lately that's kind of hard to believe."

"Luke, you don't have any idea what you're talking about, so just stop." I huffed, causing Luke to roll his eyes at me. It was true. Luke didn't know and didn't care about what was going on with me. He just judged me based on what was right in front of him, and sometimes I really hated him for that.

"I'm going to bed." Luke announced getting up and walking to our room.

"Wait, I'll come with you. I'm tired, too." I announced, getting up to follow him. Luke rolled his eyes at me and didn't even bother to wait for me. 

"Whatever." Luke sighed, walking faster away from me. I felt a tear well up in my eye. I was sick of fighting. No matter what I did, it seemed like I just couldn't be good enough for anyone.

"Luke...please..." I whispered. Luke couldn't hear me, though, he was already gone. The tears started to pour out as I slid down to the floor and curled up against the wall. I could have died tonight, but I didn't. The fact that the one person that hates me more than anyone else cared enough to stop me more than my own twin hurt more than anything else that could have possibly happened.

I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to cut. I figured I should be good. My grandparents were sleeping and Luke had just walked into our room to go to sleep. It wasn't likely that anyone would find out. Resolved to what I was about to do, I pulled out the spare blade I kept in my phone case.

It was so tempting to just take this dangerous piece of metal and slice through a vein, ending my life. I knew I couldn't. Not yet and not here. I couldn't do something like that in the hallway of my grandparents' house while everyone was sleeping. It just felt wrong. Like I was doing it because of them. Honestly, they were some of the few people who actually still cared about me.

I brought the blade down to my wrist and applied pressure, dragging it across my arm. I watched, mesmerized, as the blood started to pool across my arm. This is what I wanted. It was what I needed. 

Somehow, it felt different. I didn't feel that instant moment of relief I usually felt whenever I cut in the past.

I immediately ripped my bracelets off and started to cut more. It still wasn't enough. Even when my entire arm was covered in blood, I couldn't stop. I needed more. I needed to numb my feelings. If I couldn't feel anything, then I couldn't get hurt.

Eventually I blacked out.


	20. Chapter 20

So upset right now about Chester and these awful people making jokes and memes about his death! It's so disrespectful and I'm absolutely disgusted right now!

Anyway, rant over, in with the chapter!

"Jai! Jai, come on wake up!" I opened my eyes to find someone shaking me. My vision was hazy, but I could recognize Luke from anywhere. I blinked my eyes a few times until my vision started to clear up.

"Luke?" I croaked. "What's wrong?" He had tears streaming down his face and he looked angry.

"What's wrong? I walk out of our room to find you with your wrists slit open and bleeding everywhere. What do you think is wrong, Jai!" Luke screamed. He was beyond angry. That was when I took a moment to take in my surroundings.

I was in our room, that much was obvious. Looking down I noticed that someone, probably Luke, had haphazardly wrapped my arms in bandages. I bit my lip. I never wanted Luke to see me like this. I looked at him next. 

I almost wished I hadn't.

Luke had bloodstains all over his shirt, and even more blood on his hands. My blood. He should of just let me die that way he didn't have to deal with this.

"I...Luke..." I struggled to find the right words to say. 

"What?" Luke's voice sounded empty, broken almost. "What, Jai? Don't you think I Deserve an explanation?"

"You wouldn't understand, Luke." I sighed, looking away. It was true. We may be twins, but Luke and I had never really been on the same page. We were just two different people. Luke couldn't begin to understand what I've been through.

"What? Are you serious, Jai?" Luke raised his voice slightly. "What makes you say that?" 

"Because you had to ask."

///

Luke and I cleaned up all of the blood I managed to leave behind after I somehow managed to convince him to not tell anyone. There wasn't really a lot of it, to be honest. I had cut deep enough to make me pass out from blood loss, but not deep enough to kill myself. Explaining that to Luke made him feel slightly better about the whole thing.

We then went back to pretending that nothing was wrong with me. I was confused and slightly disappointed by that. Luke cared enough to get mad at me for it, yet he didn't care enough to do something about it. He was just going to let the whole incident melt away into the past, and that hurt.

//

"Boys, how was your weekend?" Mum asked as she picked us up later that afternoon.

"The best." Luke and I chorused in sync, causing her to raise an eyebrow at us before shaking her head and chuckling. It always seemed to crack her up when Luke and I accidentally spoke in sync. 

On the way home, Luke and my Mum were busy talking, but I just silently say in the backseat. They talked so easily, but yet they couldn't begin to even take the time to try to talk to me.

I had my heavy music (which Luke happened to enjoy on occasion as well), FIFA, and art. None of my interests seemed to interest my mother. She thought my music was too rough. She viewed FIFA as a waste of time and she preferred photography to art.

I used to think that maybe if I could just get her to try to understand then maybe she would. After all, she put up with Beau and everything he put her through. Why couldn't she do the same for me?

I had already given up on Luke. Did I need to give up on her, too?

///

I walk in our house to find Beau, Daniel, and James watching movies on our couch. I felt a stab in the chest when I realized that James had been around Beau and Daniel. James could have told Beau at any point that I wasn't okay, but he didn't. Instead, he chose to ignore it and that was something that really cut deeper than any knife ever could. I had called my so-called best friend to say goodbye and he chose to pretend it never happened.

It was similar to how Luke, my own twin brother, found out I self-harmed, but chose to ignore it instead of trying to help me. At the time o thought that Dylan was right. That killing myself wasn't worth it in the end. Now, I wasn't so sure that was the right decision. The people I cared about and that I thought cared about me, pretended to not know I had a serious problem. I honestly didn't know how to feel about that.

"Luke, Jai, come watch some movies with us!" Beau called out to Luke and I. Luke grabbed me by the arm and dragged me over to the couch, causing me to wince in pain. His eyes widened in realization once he noticed where he had grabbed and he immediately let go. "You okay, Jai?" Beau asked, noticing me wince.

"I'm just fine." I answered quickly. After a minute of sitting there I changed my mind. "You know what? Actually I'm tired. I think I'm going to take a nap before dinner."


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just let me know if I need to tone down the angst. I'm in a really dark place mentally right now, and a lot of times that reflects in my writing. So, anyways, make sure you comment and let me know your thoughts.

I didn't want to be alive at this point. No one cared and no one wanted to. I felt overall abandoned and betrayed. Like everything in the world was out to get me.

I was all alone and life wasn't about to get any better. Maybe I should die after all. I have nothing left to live for anyways. 

I decided to sneak downstairs and get some water. I was hoping to not get caught by anyone in the process.

"So, did you ever find out what's wrong with Jai, Luke?" Beau had asked as I was about to walk through the room. I stopped completely in my tracks, suddenly interested in their conversation.

"Yeah." Luke replied, not elaborating any further. 

"What's his problem then. If he told you, I definitely need to know." Beau pressed. I held my breathe as I waited for Luke to respond. He had promised not to tell, and I honestly couldn't see Luke breaking that promise.

"Oh. He's just being his usual drama queen self, Beau. Jai has always been stuck up and selfish, you know that." Luke laughed, causing my heart to drop. My twin caught me self-harming, yet he still thought I was self -absorbed. I felt tears start to make their way down my face as Beau, James, and Daniel started to agree with him. 

I wiped my face off and walked past them like I hadn't heard a thing they had said. Luke instantly paled when he saw me, knowing that I had definitely heard them talking even if the other three were oblivious.

"Jai!" Luke stammered, surprised. "We were just in the middle of talking about new video ideas!" I faked a smile in his direction, causing him to cringe.

"Sounds fun!" I said cheerfully. "What have you come up with so far?" 

The room was silent. By this time, I was sure that Beau had caught onto the fact that I had heard them, even if Daniel and James hadn't. 

"We were thinking of doing another awkward train situations video!" Beau covered for Luke even Luke had no response.

"Oh, that sounds cool. I guess." 

"Doesn't it." Luke agreed, playing with his fingers nervously.

"Yeah, well I'm going to go for a walk now." I announced.

"No you're not." Beau said sternly, stopping me. "It's too late, Jai."

"I'm pretty sure I've went out much later than this before." I argued, causing Beau to roll his eyes at me.

"Yeah, and I'm pretty sure Mum grounded you for that." Beau countered. Luke looked confused.

"When did that happen?" Luke asked.

"A while back. This idiot decided he was going to take a walk in the rain after mouthing off to Mum." Beau elaborated much to my disbelief. How did he find out?

"Did Mum tell you about that?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Of course, but only after I found her crying her eyes out because you have to be so difficult!" 

I took a step back in shock. I never knew I had made her cry. I immediately felt so much worse than I already did. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered before taking off running to my room. I needed to cut and I needed to cut now. I grabbed the razor I kept under my mattress and ripped my shirt off. I decided cutting on my stomach would be my best bet. I went to work, tears flowing down my cheeks in the process.

"Jai, put it down." I turned to see Luke in the doorway, staring at me in horror. I dropped the blade and sunk down to the floor in shame. Luke was the last person I wanted to see me like this. Luke hit his lip before leaving the room and quickly returning with a wet washcloth, Neosporin, and some bandages.

"G'way Luke!" I mumbled out, not wanting my twin to help me. I could take care of myself and had been doing just fine on my own before Luke found out.

"Can't do that, Jai. You might get an infection if it's not cleaned properly." Luke deadpanned, trying to keep any emotion out of his voice.

"Good, maybe it will get infected and I can die and everyone will be happy. After all, then I won't be there to make your lives miserable with my selfishness!" I huffed.

"You don't mean that, Jai." Luke looked at me wide-eyed, like he couldn't believe those words had come out of my mouth.

"Trust me, Luke. I really do. I almost did it, yesterday, too." I laughed humorlessly.

"We were at Nonna and Nonno's house yesterday....or are you talking about when I found you with your wrists all..." Luke trailed off. I shook my head no, causing him to look even more confused.

"When I went on my walk yesterday, I bought some stuff that probably would've done the job, but someone found me. They stopped me from doing it, and at first I was thankful for that. But now I'm not so sure." I admitted.

"Stop talking, Jai, and let me help you." Luke commanded, and from the way he was gritting his teeth, I knew he was trying not to cry. I decided to give in. I sat back and Luke set to work on disinfecting my cuts and bandaging them.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Jai." Luke sighed. I raised an eyebrow at him. Luke doesn't really care about me. I'm just his twin brother, so he feels obligated to care. I didn't want that fake love. Not anymore. It hurts too much to care so much for the different people in your life, only for them to not care at all. I was sick of caring. I was sick of getting beaten down by the people I loved. It hurt, and honestly I don't think I can handle much more before I just snap altogether.

After all, I'm the problem, because what else could be.


	22. Chapter 22

"What did you do?!" I yelled angrily at Luke. It had been a week since Luke found out I self-harmed, and I had come home only to find all of my blades missing. I knew that Luke was the thief. It couldn't have possibly been anyone else.

"I just did something that needed to be done." Luke replied casually. 

"It was none of your business!" I scoffed.

"My twin is slowly killing himself, yet that's none of my business? I'm pretty sure that makes it my business, Jai." Luke smirked, angering me.

"Just because you take away my tools doesn't mean I can't hurt myself in other ways." I smirked back, watching his face fall.

"Jai, please don't do something stupid." Luke sighed, causing me to roll my eyes at him.

"Whatever, Luke."

Luke opened his mouth to say something, but was quickly interrupted by Beau running into the room.

"Hey Lukey! I got us two tickets to see that movie you were wanting to see!" Beau cheered excitedly.

"That's awesome, Beau. You're the best brother ever!" Luke said excitedly. I felt a stab of jealousy. Not only was I not invited just like usual, but Luke called Beau the best brother ever. What was I? Not good enough again?

"Oh, sorry Jai. I just got us tickets. I figured you'd want to stay in your room like usual." Beau explained, noticing the hurt expression on my face. 

"It's fine Beau. You two have fun!" I reassured him, faking a smile. "I have stuff I need to do anyway."

"No you don't." Luke scoffed, calling me out on my lie. Beau furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. He was about to say something but I beat him to it.

"Luke, please don't." Luke nodded in response, giving up on me just like that. 

I left the room before either of them could question me any further. It was always like this. Luke and Beau were always hanging out and doing fun things without me. They even went so far as to make videos I wasn't allowed to be in at all. I wasn't a very jealous person, but sometimes it just really hurt.

Looking quickly behind me, I locked myself in the bathroom and pulled out my lighter. Luke was stupid if he thought I needed a blade to self harm. 

I pulled my sleeve up and clicked the flame on. I had cut, but I had never burned myself before. I took a deep breathe and held the flame up to my arm. I hissed in pain and immediately jerked the flame back. I knew it would hurt, but I didn't expect it to that much. I took a deep breathe and tried again. This time I was able to hold it longer.

Yeah, Luke was stupid if he thought he could stop me.

///

It was finally time to film another video. This always happened. We'd post one and then procrastinate for months at a time. 

"How about-" Daniel started.

"No, Skip!" James interrupted.

"But you didn't even know what I was going to say!" He pouted.

"Didn't have to!" James smirked, causing everyone but Daniel to laugh. 

"What about Jai?" Skip suddenly suggested. "Got any bright ideas floating around in there?"

"We could do the rainbow milk challenge..." I suggested after a moment. Everyone instantly agreed except for Luke.

"Jai, I'm not sure if that's a very good idea." Luke objected, shooting me a look that only I could interpret. I got his message loud and clear. He thought I was trying to hurt myself be throwing up a bunch of milk. I rolled my eyes. Two could play that game.

"Aww is little Lukey scared that his little fan girls are going to find out he isn't invincible after all?!" I teased.

"Shut up, Jai!" Luke snapped, angrily. "You're the one that's going to be throwing up!"

"Really, because last time I checked, you were the twin with the weaker stomach!" I teased. Luke huffed angrily, but chose to drop the subject. It was obvious that he had already lost that argument.

We made plans to film the next day, and I started to wonder if maybe things could get better after all.

Yeah, right. That'll never happen.

///

Luke cornered me after Daniel and James left and Beau retreated to his bedroom. I couldn't say that I wasn't expecting it, but I was still surprised by it.

"What are you playing at, Jaidon!?" Luke demanded.

"Nothing! I just thought it sounded like a fun video to film. Think about it. We never throw up like normal people. We'll be fine while everyone else embarrasses themselves with how easily they throw up." I explained. Luke took a moment to let it all sink in before cracking a large grin.

"Wow, if only people knew how evil we really were..." Luke joked. 

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure only Beau knows the truth about us." I laughed.

"Speaking of the truth," Luke started, causing me to groan. "Who else knows about you...cutting yourself..."

"You're the only one..." I answered before realization dawned on me. "Actually Dylan and all his little cronies know too."

"You mean you told them but not me." Luke looked genuinely offended.

"No they found out without me wanting them to."

"How?"

"I can't tell you."

And that was the truth. Although, Luke found out I self-harmed, I didn't want him to find out about any of the other stuff as well. Those were still my tightly kept secrets and I intended to keep them that way.


	23. Chapter 23

"I can't tell you!"

A tense silence filled the air as Luke took in the words I had just screamed at him. I but my lip nervously before bringing my hand down to dig into the scarred flesh of my forearm. I already knew Luke would be mad at me for not telling him the truth. 

"Honestly Jai," Luke sighed. "What's so bad that you can't tell me of all people? You can trust me with anything, don't you know that?"

"But that's just it, Luke! I can't tell you anything!" Luke flinched back at my words, as if they had slapped him in the face. Honestly, they probably did. I didn't regret saying them, though. It was the truth. Luke would never understand what I go through on a daily basis. He's the strong twin and I'm the weak twin. That the way it's always been and that's never going to change no matter how hard I try to better myself. Luke is always going to be the one people admire while I'm trapped in his shadow.

"Really?" Luke was angry now. "I tell you everything and you still don't trust me?"

"You don't tell me everything, Luke, that would be Beau you tell everything to." I scoffed. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" He demanded.

"It means you think I never notice how you guys are always hanging out and doing things together, but for some reason I'm never invited to join you guys. Do you even realize what that's like? Being the outcast all of the time? No, you don't. Because you're the twin everyone respects and I'm the twin that was a mistake and should have never been born. It's bad enough at school, but to just come home and experience it too is even worse. It hurts, Luke. It really does." I ranted, suddenly angry and not thinking about my words. Luke stared at me stunned. Then again, I had never revealed that much about my feelings to anyone before.

"Jai, are you jealous of Beau?" Luke asked. If I could slap myself in the face right now, I would. Of course, I would reveal something so important to Luke and he wouldn't notice at all. I felt my eyes burn at the sudden frustration and powerlessness I felt. Luke didn't care. He truly didn't care.

"No, I would never be jealous of Beau. Things aren't that simple, Luke." I sighed before turning to walk away before the tears could escape my eyes. It hurt so much to just have my problems reduced to nothing at all. This was why I wanted to die in the first place, and now I really regret not going through with it.

///

"Jai, have you seen Luke?" Beau asked, walking into my room without knocking for the millionth time. I looked up at him to see him looking back at me expectantly.

"Haven't seen him. Did you need someone? Maybe I can help." I offered. Beau frowned and shifted his eyes away from me, his mood changing almost immediately.

"Not really. I was going to see if Luke wanted to film this insane video idea I had with me. Thanks anyways, Jai." Beau faked a smile, and I felt all of my anger from earlier return full force.

"Am I really not good enough for you, Beau? I'm sorry I'm not Luke, but I'm still just as much your brother as he is! If you really hate me that much just tell me and I'll stay away!" I yelled, losing my temper quickly. Beau furrowed his eyebrows in confusion at my words, and I couldn't help but become even angrier. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of trying to fit in with a family that doesn't want me.

"I'm sorry, Jai, but I don't hate you." Beau said slowly, almost like he was talking to an injured animal. "I just didn't expect you to really be interested in filming with me."

"Cut the crap, Beau!" I groaned, angrily. "Everyone knows you love Luke more than me. I'm okay with that, but at least treat me like I matter to you. Just because I'm not Luke doesn't mean I'm not fun. I'm still your brother and....never mind. You don't care, anyways." I stopped myself mid-rant.

"Jai," Beau asked carefully. "Is something wrong with you. You're really starting to scare me." 

"I-I...I'm fine, Beau." I stuttered, embarrassed by having two rants in one day. I was losing it and it was only a matter of time before I crashed completely.

"Jai, if something's wrong you need to tell me." Beau said, serious for a change.

"It's nothing Beau. Promise."

"Really, if it's nothing then why are you crying?" Beau asked, giving me a pointed look. I touched a hand up to my face and sure enough I had tears streaming down my face. I debated internally with myself. Should I tell Beau? Luke already knew and I should be able to trust Beau, but then again, it was Beau and I didn't want him to be ashamed of me. His opinion of me was too important to risk damaging any further.

"I'm just tired. That's all there is to it."


	24. Chapter 24

"So, I heard you blew up at Beau earlier." Luke commented nonchalantly. I shrugged my shoulders at him in response. Maybe I had, but that was none of Luke's business. I just wanted him to leave me alone.

"So, you blow up at Beau every day. It's Beau. You know how annoying he can be." I countered. Luke shot me a sad smile in return.

"Jai, I think we both know what this is about. You're jealous of me. Honestly, I don't know how I never noticed it before." Luke laughed, as if all of my problems were just summed up in those few sentences.

"Luke, I'm not jealous." I sighed. "I was just angry and took it out on Beau. To be honest, I really don't care if he loves you more than me or not." I explained honestly, Luke stared at me for a moment before accepting my response.

"I'm worried, Jai." Luke bit his lip. "You're losing weight, You're cutting yourself, and you even tried to kill yourself. I don't want to wake up one day and find you dead. We're twins and I don't know what I'd do if you weren't in my life."

"I'll be fine, Luke. I always am."

///

Beau decided the Janoskians were going to have an emergency group meeting after school. No one knew what it was about, not even Luke. I felt my anxiety increase as we headed to school. Luke and I once again had to walk because Beau had senior stuff to take care of.

The Whole time I was thinking bad thoughts. What if Beau knew? What if he told Mum? What if he hated and disowned me? I subconsciously started to harshly scratch at my wrist, grabbing Luke's attention immediately.

"Jai? What's wrong?" Luke asked, reaching over to yank my hand away from my wrist. "Come on. You know you can talk to me."

"I'm fine, Luke. Really." I attempted a smile but it didn't reach my eyes. It was obvious that Luke didn't believe me either.

"How about we skip school today, Jai Jai?" Luke asked me, smiling mischeviously. I bit my lip in thought. There were just so many things that could go wrong. It was a terrible idea.

"Mum is going to kill us if we do." I explained nervously. "She's already mad enough at me. I don't want to make her hate me even more."

"Mum could never hate you Jai. You're my twin brother and her son. You've just been stressing everyone out lately." Luke reassured me. I thought about it. What more did I have to lose? I was already slowly falling apart, nothing could happen that could make it worse than it already was.

"Ok, I guess it couldn't hurt..." I agreed, causing Luke's eyes to light up with joy. He hurriedly grabbed me by the arm, causing me to hiss in pain, before dragging me off to a nearby park we liked to go to when we were younger.

We sat in silence for several minutes, neither of us knowing what to say. Even I had to admit it was pretty awful. Not only were we twins, but Luke and I used to tell each other everything. Now, we could barely even say two words to each other without starting an argument. It was sad because it was also all of my fault. 

"I hate this!" Luke let out a frustrated sigh. "It's supposed to Luke and Jai against the world. Whatever happened to that?"

"I don't know." I answered, resting my head on my knees. It was true. Luke used to be the one person I could trust, but things had changed for the worse. The more I had been bullied, the more I hid from Luke. I couldn't help it. I was ashamed and I hated myself for being so weak. My brothers were both so strong-willed and seemed to be able to move past anything. I, however, was nothing like that. I chose to avoid confrontation at all costs, even if it meant gaining a few bruises in the process.

"I wish we could change everything and be best friends again." Luke sighed, causing my head to shoot up. 'Best Friends'. That was a term that I had no right to use. I was alone because I chose to walk down that path of life. We things started to get rough, I pushed Luke and everyone else on my life away. It wasn't fair to treat them like that, but what's done is done. I honestly don't know if I can even fix it anymore.

"Luke, I'm sorry." I mumbled hesitantly. "Everything is my fault and I'm sorry." 

"Jai, what are you asking about?" Luke asked, raising an eyebrow at me. He was obviously confused and I couldn't blame him. He didn't know how much of a disgrace I really was. I couldn't be the twin brother he deserved, and I hated myself for that.

"I've been lying to you for too long..." I started, watching as Luke's face adopted a more serious expression. I took a deep breathe and looked down before I could change my mind. "I'm sorry. You know Dylan, right? We used to be friends,  but now we never talk."

"Yeah, you guys just drifted apart. It happens. You can't stay friends with the same people forever." Luke responded, trying to cheer me up.

"It's more than that though." I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to watch Luke's face when I finally told him. "Once we started to get popular on YouTube, he started to constantly insult me and put me down, and eventually it started to get physical."

"What do you mean by physical?" Luke asked, his voice strained. It was obvious that he was trying to hold his anger inside long enough for me to finish.

"He gave me these." I explained, lifting my shirt up to reveal the fading bruises that littered my chest and stomach. I felt Luke flinch back at the sight of them before he stood up and started to pace back and forth, clenching his fists tightly.

"How long?" 

"Months. Almost a year or more." 

"Why?!" Luke raised his voice. "Why did you let it go on this long? You should have told me, Beau, somebody, Jai! I'm guessing you didn't try to fight back either!" 

"I didn't want to disappoint you." I whispered, causing Luke to stop pacing and kneel in front of me.

"Jai, listen to me and listen good. Nothing you could do would ever change the fact that you're my twin brother and my other half!" Luke shook me slightly as he spoke. "Now, I'm going to go find Dylan and make him wish that he had never even met you!"

"No, don't!" I yelled, stopping Luke from going anywhere.

"Why shouldn't I. He drove you to the point of being suicidal! He made you try to leave me, so why shouldn't I give him what he deserves?"

"Because of it wasn't for him I'd be Dead right now!"


	25. Chapter 25

Just made a Janoskians can account on Twitter. Come follow me or dm me to say hello! My username is: Jai_Obsessed

"Because if it wasn't for him I'd be dead right now!" I yelled, causing Luke's anger to deflate slightly. He scrunched his face up in confusion as he processed my words. I knew that there was no way he wouldn't get confused considering what I had just told him. 

"Explain." Luke huffed impatiently. I could see the pain in his eyes as he spoke. The pain that I had caused. 

"You remember when I took that walk when we were staying at Nonno and Nonna's house?" I asked. 

"Yeah. That was when you came home and started cutting." Luke nodded. 

"I had planned on killing myself that night." I explained. "Everything was just too much with Mum telling me to get over myself basically, so I went on my walk and called James."

"Whoah, I'm officially lost!" Luke interrupted me, causing me to glare at him. 

"Mum is sick of my attitude and told me our grandparents are too old to deal with my drama basically."

"Jai..." Luke looked shocked that our mother had actually said something like that to me. I don't understand why. I've been nothing but a hassle to her lately. 

"It's not a big deal, Luke." I sighed. 

"Yes! It is! You're feelings matter, Jai! You act like they don't but they really do!" Luke ranted antruly at me.

"Just...Luke, please. Drop it."

"Fine, I will for now, but this isn't over yet!" Luke informed me. "Now, how does James fit in to all of this?"

"I called him to say goodbye." I stared down at my hands as I gave Luke time to process what I had just said.

"James knew you were planning that, yet he didn't call me?" Luke asked furiously.

"Yes. No. I don't know." I sighed. "I don't think he really understood what I was telling him to be honest."

"But, he didn't think to tell anyone? That's serious Jai. What would have happened if you had gone through with it? I would have lost my twin and I don't honestly think I could take it if anything were to happen to you."

"You'd be surprised..." I mumbled, earning a glare from Luke. "Can we just drop this? I just want to hang out with my twin brother for once."

Luke but his lip. I could tell that he didn't want this conversation to end I couldn't blame him in all honesty, but at the same time I did. These were my problems, not his. I had to fix everything in my life that seemed to have fallen apart in the blink of an eye. This was my responsibility, not his.

"Jai, I don't think-"

"Please, Luke." I begged. I saw him hesitate even more before he reluctantly nodded his head in agreement.

"Okay. So, what do you want to do?" Luke asked. I thought about it. What did I want to do?"

"We could record a happy hour with Jake video." I suggested. Luke nodded thoughtfully.

"What is this, the third one? We should really just make a separate channel for our videos that's solely us." Luke suggested.

"What like a twin time?" I asked with a small chuckle. I did like the idea, though. It would be awesome to have our own YouTube channel outside of the Janoskians.

"No..." Luke trailed off thoughtfully. "More like Twin Talk Time. Yeah that has a nice ring to it. We could like talk about whatever we wanted to and it wouldn't have to strictly be a comedy channel. We could literally talk about anything."

"That would also help the fans get to know us." I mused. "They could learn what makes me Jai and you Luke. It'd be awesome."

"Yeah, and most importantly it would just be us. No Beau. No Daniel. No James. Just us being twins."

That did sound pretty good.

///

When Luke and I finally made it home, we were met by an extremely angry Beau. I was confused, we had just skipped school. He used to do that all of the time. And then it clicked. We were supposed to have a Janoskians meeting right after school today. However, Luke and I never went to school today which caused us to forget all about it.

"Hey, Beau! Fancy meeting you here." Luke smiled brightly in an attempt to diffuse our older brother's anger at us.

"No, Luke. It's really not." Beau ground out, causing me to flinch back behind Luke slightly. "Seriously, Jai! Quit pretending to be afraid of me! It hurts that you would even act this way with me, the one person who's protected you through practically everything."

"No, not everything." Luke mumbled, causing me to elbow him in the side.

"You two are hiding something, aren't you?" Beau narrowed his eyes at us. I could see Luke struggling for an excuse, so I quickly intervened.

"It's just twin stuff, Beau, honestly. And I'm sorry. You're the best older brother that Luke and I could ask for!" I explained, batting my eyes at him. Beau's angry expression softened after hearing my words.

"Yeah you two aren't that bad either." Beau sighed. "Anyways, there's big new. Janoskians' news. I kind of wanted to wait until everyone was together, but you two ruined that."

"What is it?" Luke asked curiously.

"There's this guy who manages celebrities that contacted me. He wants to manage us too, but that would mean making some big sacrifices." Beau continued. "Daniel and I are graduating this year so we don't have to worry. The two of you and James are a different story."

"What kind of sacrifices?" Luke and I asked at the same time.

"How would you like to drop out of school and move to America?"


	26. Chapter 26

It was decided. After Beau and Daniel finished up school, we were all going to move to LA. Of course, Janes, Luke, and I were going to have to drop out of school for that, but we felt like it was the right decisoon to make. We were furthering our careers by doing this.

Mum, of course, was not happy with our decision. Not only were we leaving her to move to another country, but we were becoming 'high school drop-outs'. In fact, she had a thing or two to say to Beau for even suggesting it.

How did I feel?

I felt like this would be good for me in general. I was so depressed all of the time and I hated it. I needed to just get away from it all for awhile, and moving to America was the perfect opportunity to do that.

Luke was hesitant. He wasn't sure if this was really right for us. The only reason that he was really going was because I wanted him to. I don't think either of us could stand being that far away from the other for such a long period of time. 

Honestly, I felt guilty. I was basically forcing this on Luke and that wasn't fair to him. I needed this, though. If I didn't make a change soon then I didn't know what I'd end up doing. 

///

"Why hello, my sons who don't love me." Mum greeted us grumpiky as she fried us some pancakes for breakfast. I had to roll my eyes at her antics. She was still trying to guilt us into staying in Melbourne, but it just wasn't happening. Luke and I were turning 17 soon and Beau was 18. We were basically adults that could make decisions on our own. It didn't matter that our mother didn't agree with it.

"Will you give it a break, Mum?" Luke groaned in annoyance. "This is hard for us, too!"

"If it's so hard then stay!" She argued, pouting slightly.

"Mum, this is a great opportunity that not a lot of people get. Just let it happen." Beau sighed, walking into the room. Mum's frown wavered slightly before a small grin made its way into her face. 

"Okay. But I still don't like my boys leaving me." She sighed, making her way over to Beau to kiss his cheek. 

"Love you!" Beau smiled before leaving the room to finish getting ready for school. 

I played with my plate of pancakes aimlessly as their interaction took place. I hated that we were leaving her, but at the same time I was thankful. Our relationship has been nothing but strained the past few months and it was definitely taking its toll on me.

"You okay?" Luke whispered to me from across the table. I nodded my head in response even though I honestly wasn't. I felt awful. It was my fault that Mum was upset. It was my fault that Luke was unwillingly moving to a completely different country. Everything was my fault and I hated myself for it. I gave him a small nod which didn't go unnoticed by Mum.

"Why wouldn't your brother be okay, Luke?" She questioned with a laugh, causing the pit in my stomach to get even deeper. I hated how no one ever thought that maybe I wasn't okay. It was always clear as day when someone else was struggling, but then when I was, no one noticed. My feelings didn't matter to anyone but myself.

"Well, maybe he's not actually okay!" Luke piped up, surprising me. I shot him a glare, warning him to keep his mouth shut, but he quickly looked away and refused to make eye contact with me. Our mother scrunched up her face in confusion.

"Of course he is, Luke. Don't be silly." She laughed, causing me to dig my nails into the scar-ridden flesh of my arm. 

"You know what?" Luke laughed. "You're absolutely right! Jai should just get over himself, right? He should just get over being-"

"Luke!" I snapped in horror, not ready to believe what my twin had almost just revealed to my Mum right in front of me. That was the last thing I wanted her to find out.

"Don't talk to your Mum like that!" Mum said, smacking the back of Luke's head. "You two are hiding something, and you had better tell me what that is right now!"

"It's nothing, Mum." I sighed. "Luke's just being his usual self."

"Okay." Luke scoffed, standing up and storming out the door.

"I'm sorry, Mum. Luke's just being difficult."

"Mhmm. So what did you do this time to make him mad?" She laughed, causing me to frown.

"Why do I have to do something?" Ii grimaced. "Is that really how low you think of me?"

"Jai, I-"

"Just save it, Mum. I'm going to enjoy getting away from you."


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to thank everyone for their kudos and comments! Those really mean a lot and inspire me to write more!

America was beautiful. It was everything I had imagined and more. It felt so free to get away from Australia and all of the people that had hurt me there. Don't get me wrong. I loved Australia. It was my home, after all. I just needed a change. I was spiraling downwards toward destruction at such a fast pace and it needed to slow down.

Mum didn't bother to say goodbye to me. She could barely even look at me when she left. Of course, she had special goodbyes for Beau and Luke, but she barely even spared me a glance. She barely even hugged me. I even felt a pang of jealousy when she wouldn't let go of Luke so he could get on the plane. It was a little better with Beau, just a long, tight hug. I didn't get either of those. If anything it made me happier to leave. After all, why would I want to stay with someone who doesn't want me? 

"Jai Jai?" Beau questioned happily from my doorway, before closing the door and sitting on my bed. "Jai, what's wrong? Are you feeling homesick already?"

"I'm fine, Beau. Really." I sighed. "I'm just tired. You know jet lag and all."

"That's true, but we got here yesterday morning and it's almost 2pm now. You need to get out of bed and get some fresh air." Beau ordered, with a small grin.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes you do!" Beau laughed, "Daniel, James, and I are going to stock up on stuff for the house so it's just going to be Luke and you here. Try to at least let him know you're alive at some point." I stiffened at his words, causing him to give me a weird look.

"Why isn't Luke going?" I asked, confused. 

"He's worried about you. Honestly, we all are. It's okay, though. Just try to get up and feel better soon. I love you, Jai." Beau laughed. I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. Usually when someone in my family told me they loved me, they were only teasing me. No one really went out of their way to tell me.

"Thanks, Beau. I love you, too. Even when it doesn't seem like it." I mumbled, staring down at my hands.

"Don't start getting sentimental on me, Jai. It's disgusting." Beau laughed, teasing me.  I had to fake a smile back at him. Of course, he had to ruin the first good moment we've had in years, just like that.

"Get out of my room already!" I huffed. "Just let Luke know I'll be down in a minute."

Beau saluted me as he left my room, and I couldn't help but feel even sadder than before he came into my room.

I needed to cut again. 

I had somehow managed to convince Luke that I had stopped, so he wasn't constantly watching me like a hawk anymore. That was perfect in my opinion. Then, I could cut as much as I wanted and no one could stop me. 

I had so many scars in my collection, and sometimes I liked to think that each of them had their own story to tell. Each of them told different stories, but held the same concept. They were all from times where I was forced to be strong, but couldn't quite make it. Instead, I stole comfort the only way I knew how. I stole it in the form of a blade.

///

I felt my arms throb as I ran down the stairs to get some water and see Luke in the process. Beau said I had to let Luke know I was alive. He didn't say I needed to tell him how little that actually was.

"Hey Luke!" I greeted my twin loudly as I flopped down on the couch next to him. He raised an eyebrow at my suddenly cheerful nature.

"What's the sudden excitement about?" Luke smirked, closing his laptop and turning to look at me.

"Why not? It's a new country. A new life. There's so much America has to offer us!" I explained, lacing my words with heavy sarcasm. Luke looked at me like I had grown a new head, the sarcasm going right over his head.

"Who are you and what have you down with my twin brother?" Luke asked, wide-eyed. "Neither of us have ever been that optimistic about anything."

"I'm joking Luke, relax." I laughed. "Beau just wanted me to make sure you knew I was alive."

"Why wouldn't you be?" Luke asked, rhetorically. "Anyways, Mum wants us to FaceTime her later today."

"Why?" I asked, rolling my eyes. "Didn't she say all she needed to say at the airport?" 

"Jai, don't be like that." Luke sighed. 

I scoffed in return. Luke didn't understand and he honestly never would. Mum didn't love me and I don't think she ever will. I didn't even get a goodbye. Just a quick hug. If that didn't tell me something, then I didn't know what would. The sad part of it was that I didn't even know why. Why couldn't she just suck it up and make me feel loved just one time? I just wanted somebody to act like they cared and mean it. It was bad enough that I had gotten severely bullied at school without anyone noticing. That I could live with. But I'm not sure if I could live with my mother not loving me. 

Luke was the twin everyone loved, my mother included. There was no possible way for him to feel the pain I felt deep inside. It was already too late for my cracks to be mended. Not that anyone would even care enough about me to even try. 

I was hopeless, and pretty soon I was going to drown completely.


	28. Chapter 28

"So Luke tells me you don't want to talk to Mum anymore." Beau spoke casually as he cornered me as I came out of the bathroom. I knew Luke was upset about it, but I just couldn't talk to her. Especially not after our last fight.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I lied, not making eye contact with him. Beau let out a loud sigh. He was obviously growing frustrated with me too. Just like everyone else in my life. "I'm just tired and I don't want to deal with anything right now."

"Jai, what's going on with you? It's obvious that something is wrong with you, but I can't fix it unless you tell me what it is." Beau sighed. I looked away from him, unable to make eye contact with him. Beau would never understand. Luke didn't understand and he was my twin brother.

"I'm fine, Beau. Honestly." I lied. I couldn't help it. I didn't want to lie, but I had no other option. Beau would hate me even more of if he found out I self-harmed. Luke already hated me for it.

"That's just it, Jai. You're not fine at all. You haven't been for awhile. I can see that clearly. Everyone can. I don't know what else to do if you won't tell me what's wrong."

"I'm fine, Beau!" I snapped. "I just want everyone to leave me alone so I can d-"I cut myself off befoi could finish that sentence. I was about to say 'die' and from the look on Beau's face, he picked up on it as well.

"Jai, I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone right now. If you're sad or depressed I need to know."

"I-I I'm fine." I stared down at my feet, praying that Beau would drop the conversation and be done with it. That's what my family usually did when it came to me. I was the expendable one. The one that didn't matter and really just got in the way. I was the problem of the family and there was nothing I could do to fix that.

"Jai." Beau sighed. "I can't talk to you right now, but this conversation is far from over."

///

About an hour after Beau left me in my room, my phone started to vibrate. I looked down and saw that I was getting a call from my Mum. I didn't really want to answer it, but I knew I had to.

"Hey Mum!" I greeted with obviously false enthusiasm. I could hear her sigh even though she tried to hide it.

"Hey sweetie, Luke said you weren't feeling well so I thought I'd give you a ring. How are you feeling?" She asked. I let out a sigh. Of course Luke made up an excuse for me. He always does and he always will.

"I'm fine Mum." I promised her. She didn't really care about me. I was a mistake, after all. I only ever made her life complicated and difficult. I wish that things had been different, but they hadn't. That's all I had ever been to my mother. A mistake.

"You sure, Jai. I've been worried about you lately. You haven't been yourself for several months." Her voice sounded every bit like a concerned mother, but I knew better. She was only asking because she had to. Not because she cared. 

"Yep!" I replied, popping the 'p'. "That's exactly why you said all those nice things to me when I left for America. What were those things again, by the way?"

"Jai, that's not fair." The happy tone had completely disappeared from Mum's voice. Instead, her tone held annoyance and exasperation. It wasn't my fault though. I knew that I shouldn't have said anything, but I knew that I needed to.

"How is that not fair, Mum?" I demanded. "I'm your son, just like Luke and Beau are. Yet you chose to not even give me so much as a goodbye when I moved to the other side of the world. How do you think that makes me feel? Oh wait, I forgot. Jai isn't allowed to question your decisions. He's supposed to go along with everything or you treat him like a total stranger."

"Jai, calm down-"

"Bye, Mum!"

I hung up my phone and threw it on my bed. I was so angry. With my Mum. With Beau. With Luke. With myself.

Myself...

I stood up and walked into the bathroom connected to my room. I needed to cut. I don't care how much Luke thought I had stopped or how worried a day pretended to be. I needed to cut so I could be happy. And I wouldn't be happy until that blood was dripping down my arm and I was one more day closer to dying.


	29. Chapter 29

"Jai, I'm worried about you. Extremely worried."

I glanced up from where I was scrolling aimlessly through twitter to look into the worried blue eyes of my oldest brother. I let out a sigh. I've been dreading this moment for quite a while now. I'm only getting worse, and I'm afraid it's becoming more and more obvious for the people around me. 

"What are you talking about? I'm fine, Beau." I chuckled. Beau didn't seem convinced, though. He had a grim smile on his face and a look in his eye that meant he had easily spotted my lie. He slowly shook his head before responding. 

"Jai, something has been eating at you for at least a year, and you're different now. Whatever had been going on with you has changed you into a person I don't recognize. Just tell me. I'm your big brother, so you can trust me with this."

"No I can't!" I snapped. I don't know why I suddenly snapped. Maybe it was the stress of keeping secrets or the loneliness from isolating myself and having no one to trust. 

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Beau exclaimed, obviously offended. I let out a sigh. There was no way that I was telling him. 

"Nothing, Beau. I'm just tired." I lied, causing Beau to shoot me a look. "Just leave me alone. I'm fine. I promise."

"No." Beau argued, causing me to glare at him. "I'm sick of you isolating yourself all of the time. We're going to film a video and you're going to be happy about it." He said firmly. 

"But that's just it Beau! I'm not happy!" I screamed before realizing what I had said. I glanced at Beau only to see a tiny smirk on his face. 

"So the truth comes out..." 

I didn't care about what sarcastic remarks he had to make. I just knew I needed to get out and I needed to get out now. 

I jumped up from my bed and stormed out of my room, ignoring the calls of my name coming from behind me. I couldn't deal with this right now. Everything was just becoming too much and I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn't handle it. I was a broken mess and at this point nothing could fix me. I was too far gone, and now I was simply going through the motions. 

Beau didn't understand that, though. He didn't understand anything that wasn't as plain as day. Luke tried to understand, but in the end he was on a whole different level than me, his mistake of a twin brother. 

All I ever did was mess things up. Luke was so stressed out because he didn't know what I was going to do next and I honestly hated myself for that. He should have never had to deal with any of my drama. 

And that's honestly what it was. Drama. I could never actually stand up for myself and now everyone else had to deal with the results. I wasn't even close to the same person I once was. I knew that. Luke knew that. Even Beau knew that, who I haven't actually sat down and talked to in years. 

I was different and now everyone else had to deal with that, because I couldn't deal with my own problems that weren't worth dealing with anyways. So what if I got punched a few times? That just meant I needed to toughen up and stop being a baby. Life doesn't take into consideration any factors that revolve around you. Instead, it's you who has to work around life and find a solution to your problems.

The funny thing is that I wasn’t always this way. I used to be carefree and strong. Nothing could hurt me. I wasn’t that little boy anymore, though. I wasn’t the little boy that rolled with the punches and punched back harder. I wasn’t the little boy that would fall down and immediately get back on my feet and try again at whatever had knocked me down in the first place. 

I wasn’t him. He died a long time ago, around the same time I started to lose my self-confidence and the very essence of myself. He’s gone and he isn’t coming back. 

Maybe that’s why I didn’t see the car coming until it was too late. It had hit me before I even had a chance to register what was happening. The crazy thing was, I could die and I didn’t care.


	30. Chapter 30

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I should be dead right now, but based on the beeping I hear I know that I'm alive and in a hospital. That's just great. I let out a sigh as I struggled to force my eyes open. I was immediately shocked by the sight of chocolate brown hair that I'm all too familiar with, laying on my shoulder. I was surprised to see my twin. After everything I had put him through, how could he still love me? I wasn’t worth his love and I never would be.

I felt a small tear trail down my face. I didn’t know who I was anymore and that wasn’t okay. I could hurt myself just fine, but what I couldn’t live with was hurting the people I cared about. Anymore, it seemed like that was exactly what I was always doing. Luke was stressed out to the point of being on the verge of a panic attack. Mum and I hadn’t spoken since I left Australia, and I honestly didn’t know what hurt more. The fact that she didn’t care enough to call me and try to make up, or the fact that she didn’t care. Then there was Beau. Towards the beginning, before I had really started to get bad, I had hurt Beau worse than anyone else. Yet, here my oldest brother was trying to fix everything. Even though, I was a lost cause, he never gave up on me. 

Or so I thought.

Because here I was laying in a hospital bed with no Beau in sight.

///

“Jai, you’re awake!” Luke exclaimed mid-yawn as he woke up from his nap. As soon as he lifted his head off my shoulder, my whole side erupted with fiery hot pain. I was used to pain so I somehow managed to keep my reaction to a minimum.

“Lukey, where’s Beau?” I asked with a small hiss of pain. Luke’s face turned sheet white as he mulled over my question. Based on his face, I knew I wouldn’t like his answer. “Just say it Luke. I promise you I can handle whatever it is.”

“The doctors...” Luke trailed off before letting out a large sigh. “They found your scars, all of them, so I Beau had to talk to them about it.”

“No...” I whispered more to myself than to Luke. Luke heard me though and shot me a tiny smile before taking on a more serious look to his face.

“You lied to me Jai. You told me that you stopped cutting, but you didn’t did you? The doctors found fresh cuts on your arm, so don’t even bother trying to lie to me.”

“Luke I’m sorry.” He turned his head away from me.

“I’m glad you’re alive right now, Jai, but I don’t think I can handle getting involved again.” Luke said with a grimace. My eyes widened at what I thought my twin brother was implying.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Luke.” I asked timidly, not wanting to hear his answer.

“You know what it means, Jai. I need some space away from you right now. You betrayed my trust, so now I can’t trust you. I don’t want to do this to you Jai, but right now I have to.

///

Do you know what hurts more than your mother refusing to say goodbye to you when you’re moving to a entirely different continent? It’s watching your twin brother, the one person who you’ve always had as a constant in your life, give up on you.

It hurts more than cutting ever did. Especially, knowing that Luke was so mad at me that he needed space. To top it all off, I am the person solely responsible for this. I’ve ruined my life and the only person I can blame is myself. In fact, as I watched Luke walk out of my hospital room, I couldn’t help but finally let the tears run freely. I was the one at fault. I had destroyed my family’s happiness and there was nothing I could do to fix this.

I was all alone for the first time in my life, and there was nothing that I could do to fix this. I had failed everyone around me, but most of all, I had failed myself and now I had to live with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in so long. Just wondering how mad would you guys be if I ended it right here? (Don’t worry there should be more coming)


	31. Chapter 31

"Hey Jai Jai." Beau greeted me with a sad smile as he walked into my hospital room. I nodded sadly at him. There was just way too much going on at one time and I didn't know if I could handle it or not. Luke had given up on me and that hurt much more than the bullies fists ever did. He was my twin brother, the one person that would always be in my life, and now he was gone. I didn't know what to do.

"What are you thinking about?" Beau interrupted my thoughts. I glanced at him, wondering if I could really tell my oldest brother what I was thinking. Beau and I had never been extremely close, and our relationship had only gotten worse during the past year. I couldn't trust him, but that wasn't his fault. It was 100% mine.

"Luke hates me now." I mumbled out against my better judgement, as more tears flooded my eyes. "He hates me, Beau, and I just don't think I can live like that!"

"Don't even say it, Jai! Just don't say it!" Beau yelled angrily. "I don't even know where to begin." Beau let out a deep sigh. "The doctors found so many scars on your body, Jai. I don't even know what to think about that. Is that why you've been so distant lately? Is it why you've constantly been lashing out at everyone?"

"Beau, you wouldn't even begin to understand."

"Then help me!" Beau raised his voice angrily again. "I'm trying to understand, Jai. After all, I was the one who always defended you whenever the other three boys said you were being too moody to film a quality video. I was the one that told them off whenever they wanted to exclude you from everything. I was the one that begged Luke not to give up on you time and time again. The sad part is, you're so selfish that you don't even care."

"I do care, Beau." I whispered back to him after his huge outburst.

"Then, why? Why cut yourself like this Jai? Why shut everyone out instead of getting the help you need?"

"It's hard to ask for help when you just really want to die and get it over with." I burst out, taking Beau back with surprise. I regretted it immediately after I said it, but I knew it was something that needed to be said.

"You don't mean that, Jai."

"I do mean it, Beau! I want to die. I'm sick of living and I just want to die! I even wish that car would have killed me. Everyone would have been so much better off without me, so why not, Beau? All I ever do is screw things up anyways! We can't even film a halfway decent video anymore because I'm way too depressed to try. You know why, Beau? Because I have given up. I gave up on myself a long time ago, and now it's time everyone else did as well. I'm a mistake and I need to die!"

I felt the slap across my face without ever seeing it coming.

"Don't you dare ever say that again, Jai!" Beau screamed, grabbing me by my hospital gown and shaking me to get his point across. "You're my baby brother and I love you, so I'm not going to let you do this to yourself. If I ever hear you talking like that about yourself ever again I swear it won't be pretty! I swear I cant even look at you right now!"

And for the second time that day, I watched one of my brothers storm out of my hospital room. I could only blame myself, though. I had caused all of these problems simply because I wasn't strong enough to end it all when I had the chance to.

The tears started to flow faster than I could stop them. Everything was my fault. The fact that I had no friends. The fact that both of my brothers hated me now, too. The fact that my Mum never truly loved me. It was all my fault because I just wasn't strong enough. I was weak and pathetic and a waste of space that needed to disappear. That much was clear to me, but at this point disappearing wasn't an option for me. I had ran out of options and there wasn't anything I could do about that now.


	32. Chapter 32

"How are we feeling today, Jaidon?" My doctor asked as he strolled into my hospital room. Isn't it obvious? I was hit by a car and almost died in the process.

"I wish that car would have killed me." I whispered under my breathe, but the doctor had heard me anyway.

"I'm writing you an Prescription for some Prozac." He explained, taking out a notepad and writing on it. "For now, we'll get a nurse to come bring you some to get you started."

"That's just perfect!" I exclaimed sarcastically. "Could my life just get any better?"

"It may seem like everything is jumping out at you, but trust me when I say that you're young. You have time to get your life back on track. You simply just need to breathe and take it one day at a time."

///

I was anxiety-ridden when I was finally released from the hospital. I didn't want to go home to brothers that were angry with me and friends that didn't care. Everything was beginning to be too much and I honestly didn't know how much more I could handle. My oldest brother was disappointed in me and my twin had given up on me completely. I would be okay, though. I'm young after all.

Yeah right.

I couldn't believe that my doctor had actually said that to me. Yes, I'm young, but that doesn't necessarily mean that my problems don't matter. They do matter. At least they matter to me. It's so hard to try to keep on living when you have the problems that I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Forcing myself out of my ensuing panic attack, I opened the door to our house. everything was perfect. Beau was teasing Luke like usual while James and Daniel laughed at his expense. They were happy and smiling brighter smiles than I had seen them smile in months. Had I caused that? Was I the reason that they never seemed to be able to relax and really enjoy life to the fullest extent? Maybe.

James was the first one to notice my presence. He made eye contact with me right away before turning and pretending that it had never happened. That hurt badly. James and I used to be best of friends, but now our relationship was reduced to this. Honesty, we weren't friends anymore. None of them were my friends anymore. I had lost that the moment I let Dylan win. I was disgusted with myself. How had I let things slip this far? For the first time, I was truly alone in this world. I didn't have Luke, who had literally been there with me from the moment we were conceived. I didn't have Beau, my over-protective big brother that was way too angry to even care at this point. I didn't have my friends who were never really my friends to begin with. I was all alone, and nothing I could ever do would change that.

I had to walk past all of them to get to the stairs and walk up to my room. Beau, however, at least acknowledged me.

"What's that in your hand, Jai?" Beau had asked. I looked down at my hand. I had actually forgotten about stopping and picking up my prescription with all of the anxiety I currently felt.

"Oh, This. My doctor started me on some Prozac. Its stupid, really." I replied with a nervous laugh.

"Oh, so taking care of yourself is apparently bad now, huh?" Luke snarked.

"Shut it, Luke! No one asked you!" I growled. Luke simply rolled his eyes at me in response.

"I wish I didn't have a stupid twin!" Luke scoffed, causing me to flinch back and even Beau's eyes to grow wide.

"Am I missing something here?" Beau asked, genuinely confused.

"Jai lied to me!"

"I had to."

"No, you really didn't."

" Yes, I did. You can't just stop self-harming because someone told you to stop, Luke. You have to give them a reason to stop. It's not easy, but I guess you wouldn't understand."

"No, I don't understand!" Luke raised his voice. "I don't understand why my twin brother decided it would be a good idea to start hurting himself instead talking to me, someone he knows would never judge him!"

"But isn't that what you're doing now?" I asked quietly. "You think I'm weak and pathetic because I can't stop and I won't stop. That's pretty judgmental if you ask me."

"Fine, but let me ask you this, did you at least try to stop?"

"I...you don't know what you're asking me to do. I need to cut and you shouldn't try to stop me." I argued. Luke stared at me in complete disbelief.

"Do you even hear yourself talking right now? Because let me tell you, you sound crazy. Who cuts themselves on purpose? That's crazy and really out there Jai. It's not good and it's a very stupid thing to do!" 

"You don't understand, Luke!" I countered.

"Then explain to me, Jai, because I got nothing!"

"It's not something I can explain. It just helps, so if something helps me, you shouldn't try to take that away from me."

"I cna't deal with you right now!" Luke growled in frustration before storming off to his room, slamming the door behind him. I just knew he wouldn't understand.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I saw a comment on the Janoskians latest video that was absolutely disgusting. This girl claimed that Jai really was self-harming and that he needed to hurry up and kill himself. She also said that the reason Luke took so long editing was because he had to cut around Jai being depressed and Jai's scars. It was horrible and disgusting. That is never okay to say about anyone.

It had been weeks since I had come home from the hospital. It had also been weeks since the last time Luke talked to me. I didn't mind, though. I liked being alone. This wAs what I deserved after all. I had made everyone's lives miserable since I started this, so now I'm receiving my punishment.

No one ever talked to me anymore, but I saw their stares and heard their whispers. I noticed all of it. Even if they thought I was too self-absorbed to notice. 

"-seriously isn't healthy for Luke, though."

That caught my attention. I peeked through the doorway of the kitchen to see Beau and James leaning against the counter talking and drinking beer. 

"What am I supposed to do, James!?" Beau questioned in a low, heartbreaking voice. "I have to be there for Jai right now. I shouldn't be focusing on Luke as much as I have, anyway."

"Beau it's not your fault." James said with authority in his tone. That made me curious. What wasn't his fault? 

"But he almost died."

And that's when it hit me. Beau blamed himself for me getting hit by that car. It wasn't Beau's fault, but I could see why he was blaming himself. I had gotten hit by the car right after we got in that stupid argument.

"Don't worry about Jai so much, okay? He's not your only priority. You do what you have to. Jai can take care of himself."

"But...." I felt my heart rate skyrocket as my oldest brother trailed off. 

"But, What?" James asked after a moment. 

"What if he kills himself?"

"Then it wouldn't exactly be your fault now would it? Luke is hurting more than anything right now."

I guess you're right...." Beau sighed, causing my heart to completely shatter. I felt hot tears start to roll down my cheeks before I could stop them. I didn't want to listen to the rest of their conversation, but I needed to. I needed to hear what my brother and ex-best friend thought of me. I felt so guilty knowing that I had caused them to hate me. It was my fault and no one else's.

I rushed back up the stairs to my room. Closing and locking my door behind me, I began to pace around anxiously. This was my fault. And now everyone hated me. I didn't know what to do now. Everyone hated me and I didn't know how I could handle that. 

I needed to cut. 

I wanted to cut more than anything else in the entire world, but somehow I just knew that that wasn't happening tonight. Daniel had gone through the entire house while I was in the hospital and hidden anything remotely sharp. Even if I just wanted to shave, I had to go to Beau’s room and use his electric razor. They didn’t trust me anymore and I was suffocating because of it. 

I ran over to my window and looked down. Maybe I could sneak out if I was extremely careful. I opened my window and had both feet out it when I heard my bedroom door open.

“Hey Jai, Beau said that you need to come down for....WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Luke yelled. At first I wasn’t sure why he was so angry and then it clicked. This probably looked bad, like I was about to jump bad.

“It’s not what it looks like Luke. I was trying to sneak out without Beau or James seeing me.” I explained hurriedly. Luke nodded his head but I could tell that he didn’t believe me.

“Sounds reasonable,only I know you better than that Jai.” Luke explained, matter o factly. “What I don’t understand is why you keep doing this to us. Do you hate us that much?

“No, Luke. I don’t hate you guys.”

“Then, Why Jai? Why do you keep doing this?”

“It’s not you I hate. It’s myself.” I whispered, hoping that Luke didn’t hear me. I wasn’t as lucky as I hoped to be though.

“What did you just say?” Luke asked, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

“Nothing, just forget it.” I went to leave my room, but Luke grabbed my arm hard keeping me in place.

“It’s not nothing. It sounded like you just said you hated yourself.”

“Please, just drop it Luke.” I begged. 

“No, Jai. We need to solve this problem. We have a big one and it needs to be fixed. Now explain.”

“Luke...”

“Now, Jai.”

“It’s just...” I took a deep breath. “Everyone else seems to hate me. The bullies from school, haters, Mum.”

“Jai, Mum does not hate you. And who cares what the haters think? They don’t matter. Just be yourself Jai. You’re my twin and an awesome one at that.”

“I told Mum I was depressed and she told me to grow up.”

“Jai, I’m sorry Mum did that but I promise you she doesn’t hate you. In fact, she even regrets doing that.”

“But-“

“No buts Jai. It’s time to let yourself heal.”

Let myself heal? Could I even do that at this point? So much had happened that I couldn’t change. How could I ever heal knowing that? I was skeptical, yes, but Luke seemed to sense that and locked eyes with me. In that moment I just knew. I knew I could heal as long as I let myself. Maybe it was time to try after all.

-end-


End file.
